A phone call

Had a long day. Had to teach an extra class to add to my already loaded sched for a Tuesday. Had to change my teaching sched for the week cos I’ll be taking a leave on Friday to go to Bangkok to get some papers and have my medical done for the visa. Plus I got so lucky to get the toddlers group (lots of shouting and running around) for my part time evening classes. Oh what a long and tiring day! As if all of these were not enough - I came home …turned on my lappy as usual and got bombarded with messages in my messenger from my students. I wouldn’t mind chatting really…it’s just that when you’re tired sometimes you just need a quiet moment….no messages..no buzz…no nudge…no sending of annoying audibles….and no NO NO silly questions like…WHAT IS YOUR NAME???????? DO YOU TEACH IN UTTARADIT SCHOOL????????? I nearly smashed my new lappy to the wall hadn’t I thought I wouldn’t be able to chat to my hubby if I did that! So I signed out from my messenger and used a new ID. It pays to have an extra messenger ID handy in times like this! I only got my hubby in this ID so I was left in my serene moment for a few. But I haven’t had a feel of it yet when my mom sent me a message. Oh stress was the least thing I need at that moment! I was thinking of saying goodnight to mom and asked her to spare me the other details till tomorrow when I would be well rested but then suddenly my tummy started rumbling and shouting for FOOD! FOOD!FOOD! Rushed to the fridge and grabbed anything that my hands could hold — a pack of spicy squid and a bar of Kitkat (yeah right GIVE ME A BREAK!). All these plus lots of kisses and i love you’s from my husband calmed me and sent me to sleep.

I was in queue to get some papers. The lady at the counter was giving me a hard time. I remember looking all worried and was nearly crying. I got no one to turn to and help me. Suddenly my phone rings. A call from a strange number. I knew I had to take it cos my heart wanted to. Hearing that so familiar voice provoked those tears to flood down my all worried face. It has been a while since I last heard that voice. The voice told me to hand the phone to the lady at the counter. I did as I was told. Then I got the phone back and the lady said that my papers are ok and that I could leave now. Talked to that voice on the phone again. I got so many things to say and questions to ask but I just didn’t know how to start. All I knew was that I was crying all the time and listening to him. It felt so good hearing his voice. I remember I told him I miss him and that I couldn’t do everything by myself and that I needed him to be here to fix things the way he used to before. But he said he would always be here to help me. All I had to do was just close my eyes and he said he will give me a call again when I need him again. And then he said, “Bye anak (child)!” and then he hang up before I could say, Bye tatay (dad)!

{Friendster blog December 2008}

Thailand, my second home

Thailand has been a second home to me. I came here more than 3 years ago. I was only 27 years old at that time. Like most people from the Philippines, I wanted to try my luck of working abroad. I got friends who are working here as English teachers and they seem to like it here. So when I got everything ready I booked a ticket and took my first flight abroad. I left the company where I had worked for 6 years. I was a Human Resource Specialist back then. I interviewed applicants and prepared training modules for our company. It was very tiring but I had fun and enjoyed my job. At that time, jobs in Thailand were promising a very attractive salary so I had to leave the company and looked for a “greener pasture”!

It was 30^th of June 2005 when the plane landed in Bangkok. I felt both excited and sad. I was excited because everything here was all new to me and sad because it was my first time to be away from my family and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to land a job here. As we get off the plane Thai flight attendants would wai to us and with big wide smiles on their faces they greeted us “Sawasdee Ka!”. True to its name, Thailand is really a land of smiles. In that moment I felt how warm and friendly Thais are. I spent my first week in Thailand traveling around Bangkok. I visited many temples and admired every temple’s architectural designs. They’re all unique and amazing!

My first teaching job in Thailand was in Bangkok. I worked in Kumon in Central Lat Phrao. The salary wasn’t what I expected but I had to accept the job as my pocket money was running out. Kumon is a tutorial center which focuses on subjects like Math and English. In here I was exposed to all levels of students. Starting from as young as 3 years old who had just started learning to utter their first English words to as old as 45 years old who thought it wasn’t too late for them to learn the language. This center was a good training ground for me to hone my teaching skills and my ability to be able to reach out to Thai students who dreaded English. I was then enjoying my job in Bangkok even with a salary that was just enough to cover for all my basic needs when I got a call from Uttaradit School offering me a job. It wasn’t that easy to leave Kumon because I wouldn’t just be leaving a job behind but what saddened me the most was leaving those students who had just started to like “English” as well as their parents who still thought that I am Thai.

I started working for Uttaradit School in April 2006. All the teachers and students made me feel that I was welcome. My co teachers were all very helpful and accommodating. They would even go beyond their way just to extend help whenever I needed one. I got countless lifts going home, free meal, free tour around the city and nearby provinces and also they would even extend financial help and moral support when needed. During the first few months of teaching in this school, I lost count of how many students had run away from me feeling so shy to greet and talk to me in English. Some would even take a different path afraid I’d stop them for a few minutes chat. But as time passed by, I felt so happy how the students have changed. Students now will most likely say, “hi” and “hello”. Some who are braver and confident in their English would stop me and start a small talk, even if it’s just a pattern like “Hi. Hello. How are you? Fine, Thank you and you?”. I felt somehow I had accomplished something when I hear my students try to speak English with me even if they’re just simple and short phrases.

It was in Thailand when I first met my husband. No, he’s not Thai. He’s Canadian. I met him on line.It was also here in Thailand where we got married. We had a beautiful wedding in Chiangmai. Our wedding coordinator did a really good job to give us a wedding to remember for the rest of our lives. It was somewhat different from the ones we had back home. It had a touch of Thai custom. We floated nine (9) fire balloons (Kom Loy). They said as we float these - all our problems, sorrows and bad luck will fly away with them. They also said that 9 is a lucky number for Thais and that floating 9 fire balloons would bring us, the new couple, abundant blessings and good luck.

Next year, I will be moving to Canada to be with my husband. Leaving Thailand would be as hard as leaving home because I had learned how to love it as my own. I had learned how to adapt and embrace its culture and traditions. I even had acquired and mastered the art of bargaining and haggling for price the same way as Thais do when they go shopping. I even look like a Thai with my black hair, skin tone and facial features. I also love Thai food. My husband and I are addicted to sticky rice (Kao Niaw) and pork with basil (Pad Ga Krapao Moo). In fact he asked me to learn how tocook Thai food before I go to Canada. And like Thai people, I also think Song Kran is the most fun filled holiday here. It is fun playing water and getting wet with people who have their water guns and big hose of water ready to splash water on you as you pass by. Oh! I will miss everything in Thailand when I leave. But for sure all the experiences I have had here as well as all the people I have met will always remain in my heart forever. All these would make me want to come back again to the place I called…….my second home!

{Friendster blog November 2008}

Trust Him and be patient

"Then came the time when a prince from a far away land carrying with him a cracked glass slipper kissed that sleeping princess. And all like magic the spell was broken!"

I grew up thinking I was a princess and that a day will come when I can have my own happily ever after ending. I had a few failed relationships before I finally got mine. It wasn't an easy journey. I cried a river. Lost my mind at some point in time. Even thought of giving up this dream. But one time while I was alone, I started asking God and talked to Him. Asked Him what was wrong with me and why I couldn't make those who came into my life to stay forever. I never heard an answer but I felt something in my heart that tells me to trust Him and be patient. I am so glad I did. Cos He gave me my husband, Chris. He is all I ever asked and prayed for. I am so blessed to have him in my life and be my happily ever after! God is so amazing that He knows everything that your heart desires.

Rain makes me sad

Was on bed waiting for my sweet to wake up. Then it started to rain. He was still asleep. I hope he’d soon wake up. I don’t want to be alone when it rains. It brings so much pain. Was raining when dad left us. It rained too on the day of his burial. I miss him now. Miss my “tatay”. Miss him more now that the weding will be next month and he won’t be here. How I wanted for him to take me to the altar and give my hand to this man who loves me so much. I wanted him to meet my Chris for sure they would of like each other. Glad my sweet woke up. I was saved from crying and looking like Garfield again. Was back to being happy again when I saw my sweet on cam smiling at me and telling me how much he loves me. But why do time runs fast when you don’t want them to be? and they go so slow when you want them fast? My sweet left for work wasn’t able to tell him yet that it is raining and that I don’t want to be left alone. And that I’m sad cos I’m missing my dad. I wish my sweet will be home soon. I wish too that the rain will stop

{Friendster blog September 2008}

Home

I can’t wait to be home. Home is where you are sweet. Home is where I can see you all the time with no worries of internet connection or problems with cams. Home is where I get to kiss those lips and be lost with words for our lips will speak their own language — our needs to be loved and be one! Home is where I get to feel so secure and warm with your strong and steady arms wrapped around me. Home is where I get to see those shining eyes looking back at me. I wish I could be home soon!

{Friendster blog August 2008}

Finally! I got to open my box!

A little story first about how I was able to open my box…..

Yesterday was my sweet’s birthday. Made a video for him - I dressed up and asked him if he could go out and have dinner with me. Thank God for the internet! Without it life for us will just be unbearable and lonely! So there I was in the video dressed in my best clothes asking him for a date as a gift for his birthday! He had made my birthday so special and I wanted to have his as special as mine. He was so happy he said for everything I got him for his birthday so he also made a video to answer that call for a date. And I bet you know how gorgeous he was in the video wearing a suit! He was so handsome that I started to think of how he would look like on our wedding day. I felt this sudden need to look for my box and without much hesitation I just opened the box. All I wanted to see was how beautiful the dress when I wear this on our wedding day. I feel so at peace and felt so good inside. I started getting excited for October. Oh I couldn’t wait to be married now! I maybe crying now but this is tears of happiness for being able to open my box. Gone now is the fear of opening it cos all I see before was my dad’s sad face that he wouldn’t be able to attend my wedding. I know that dad where ever he is now must have been so happy for me that I am finally getting what I dreamed of — that is to be married to the one who would love me and make me his world!

{Friendster blog August 2008}

My forever

Alone, I wonder if someone out there

needs my love

and if there is

would he stay till forever?

I sat there waiting

a few passed

but they didn’t stay long

thought I wasn’t worthy!

But one day

I chanced upon him

took all the courage I had in me

and said my very first, "hi"!

Glad I did!

for that one message

I came to know him

he is everything that I wanted!

He, who made me feel so special

made me feel worthy

made me feel I deserve to be loved

so happy I found my forever in you!

I love you so much my sweet! Happy birthday!


{Friendster blog August 2008}

What you mean to me

my sweet sent me an email telling me what I mean to him… so I thought I should also tell him what he means to me and I’ve listed some here…

This is for my sweet Chris…

1. You’re a new day that I look forward to. Cos I know that a new day would mean another day to feel your love.

2. You’re that happily ever after in my fairy tale.I almost gave up this dream but you came and made me believe it is still possible.

3. You’re that breeze that washed away all those past hurts leaving me with a happy feeling inside knowing that someone is willing to love me back.

4. You’re that rainbow that gives me hope that I can paint my life with different colors as long as I am with you.

5. You’re that warmth I have been longing to embrace me. In your arms I would feel so secure and loved.

6. You’re that kiss that would seal this love and make this to last till forever.

7. You’re that dream I had been asking from God and I thank HIM with all my heart that HE gave me you, my sweet.

8. You’re that star in the sky that I keep watching hoping and wishing that you're shining for me. I love watching stars at night. and each time I look at them I would choose one star and pretend that one star is made for me. Yes, shining for me sweet. That star always cheer me up. and that's you sweet. even if things seem not to go well but when I see you and know how much you love me then I would feel calm and have hope that everything will be ok soon.

9. You’re that music in my heart it just keeps playing inside and wont stop and it feels so good.

10. You’re my forever. and I would stay in love with you like this till my last breath.

He made this day so special for me

I was still up till the wee hours last night. I couldnt sleep. Was missing my tatay. I couldn’t help but cry. I flooded his windows with offline messages knowing he’s still at work. I thought I would feel better doing that. But I still feel sad and sent him sms. Told him I miss dad and I was crying. He replied telling he’d be home soon. Was surprised to see him home so early. Said he couldn’t stop thinking about me feeling so sad and that he had to rush home so I could see him on cam. I have never been given so much love and attention like this in my life. I feel so important and special. He said I could open my parcel cos it’s already my birthday, although this came 3 days earlier( I told him I have to put off opening the parcel till my birthday). When I open the parcel in it are lots of stuff wrapped for my birthday. He wrapped everything so that I would have so many gifts to open. Cos I told him before that I never got to receive many gifts for my birthday. So he wanted me to have all these gifts for me to open on my birthday. I first looked into this cute drawing of Reauna, his little girl. He told me about this drawing. Said her daughter heard him while we were talking on the phone about my dad. He told her that I was so sad that time. She said that she would make something to cheer me up. She got me that drawing. And it was so sweet of her to have my name there with her dad’s and her bro. Such a sweet kid. She told her dad to make sure to send this drawing to me. I couldn’t help but cry when I saw the drawing. Yes, I am a cry baby. Then I read his letter telling me how much he loves me and that he can’t wait for October to be married to me. Then I read the card..and this one really made cry. The message touched me. It felt like it was talking to me. The message that said there talked about a boy who once daydreamed of a sort of person he would love someday..he pretended that he would find someone out of a fairytale, someone wonderful and not like anyone else in the world. But it said there like when he grew up, he stopped believing in love cos things wouldnt just go the way he hoped they would but then it happened that he met somebody along the way and changed his life in a way he never thought possible. It also said there that he must be luckier than most people cos he finally got his dream come true! and that was me! I just wont stop crying when I read that card. And I got him crying too That was the best gift I got from him. I loved opening all the gifts he got for me. I satisfied that childlike feeling in me of having to open so many gifts that time. I felt so happy and so special. And all these is because I got this one guy who loves me this much and wanted to make this day very special for me. I can’t wait to be your Mrs. Tilley, my sweet! I love you so much!

{Friendster August 2008}

Miss my tatay (dad)

I was about to sleep but then I started thinking about the wedding. I imagine myself walking down the aisle and there was my sweet waiting for me. It felt so good but when the time that I had to say my wedding vow I asked my sweet if I could just say a special message for my parents. But when I looked back I felt so sad cos I didn’t find my tatay there. That’s when I realize he’s gone. And I can’t help but cry. I miss my tatay badly. Miss him now cos it’s my birthday. I miss him say happy birthday anak. Sana makuha mo lahat ng pangarap mo, Sy (that’s his petname for me short for sexy). even if he always would say that same lines on my birthday. I still want to hear them. Miss you tatay. Hope youre happy in heaven now and wishing me a happy birthday!


Friendster blog August 2008

My star

For a long time I was admiring that star up above. But one night when I looked up, I didn’t find it there. My star was gone. I felt so sad. I cried for a long time asking God why did HE let my star disappear? That star was my only hope that I’d soon be happy and complete and now it’s gone. Thought God didn’t love me that much. But little did I know that HE handpicked my star to give it especially for me. And this star is coming in October to make me the happiest and to finally complete me!



Friendster blog August 2008

Sukob

I don’t understand if I should listen to some that said to postpone the wedding till next year. But my heart says to push thru with the wedding. I know this is also what dad wanted me to do cos he for sure would want me to be happy. And to be married with my sweet would make the happiest. I had waited for a long time for this love to come along and I don’t want to let it just go away only cos I had to follow this "sukob" thing. God guided me into finding this love I know He wouldn’t let anything bad to happen to us.



Friendster blog August 2008

Dad's gone but he will always be remembered

And everyone said I was that strong. But they didn’t know I was battling a deep sense of sadness from within. I had to be strong for everyone. Maybe thats dad what wanted me to be that time. Where everyone else was crying, sobbing, some even got hysterical, I was just in the corner thinking of what were the things that needed to be done. Have we paid off the hospital bills? What’s dad going to wear? What about the funeral service? Where will he be buried? What would happen to the shop? Will my bro be able to run the shop? A lot of things in my head really that I didn’t have time to cry.

I remember that call I got from my stepmom telling me that dad couldn’t move half of his body. Told her to get him to the hospital..drag him if needed. Told her I’d be there with the money (said that even if I only had 2K pesos in my wallet! I was planning of pawning my things). I had been exchanging sms with my bro for the next hour. Thought everything was ok then said they only needed a CT scan. But I was still restless and couldn’t sleep. Got a phone call from my bro, "Te, wala na si tatay!" I didn’t even cry. I just said, I will be there then hang up. I changed clothes then woke my sis up and told her dad’s dead if she wanted to come with me to Bulacan. On our way there sis was sobbing while I sat there with a blank expression on my face. When we got there and saw my stepmom and bro all of them were crying and sobbing I was still calm and didn’t cry. But it hurt inside. Yet something in me tells me that I shouldn’t cry. That I should be strong. My bro told me that we should head straight to home cos dad’s at the morgue and we couldnt get him till the morning. I asked what’s dad going to wear. They said a coat and tie of a friend. I told them no cos I wanted dad to wear the barong he’s going to wear for the wedding and that black pair of pants he’d been asking from my stepmom to wear on the day I last saw him alive. I left dad’s barong at my sis’ place in Pasig so we had to let him wear a new barong that I bought from the market. We just changed his barong on the second day of his wake. And he was really right when he said he’d look gorgeous in his barong. Yes, this really is my handsome dad who always told me I got my good looks from him even if the truth is i look more of my mom. But I got my lips and dimples from him. yes definitely i got my good looks from him. now I got to agree! I am sure he would love that! I was caught up with fixing and arranging everything for dad’s funeral I didn’t have time to cry and feel sad. All i could think about was to have everything in place and in order cos that’s what dad always wanted me to do. He said amongst us all he would always rely on me to fix things as I got the clearest mind and good judgment. I hope I had made everything the way he wanted them to be.
While I was waiting at the airport with my wedding box beside me, that’s the time I burst out crying the woman that sat beside me was shocked. I just made a joke and told her that my bf left me for another woman (couldn’t tell that my dad died I still couldn’t accept that he’s gone). She said I am too beautiful and that I shouldn’t feel sad cos I would still find another man. That comment made me smile I wanted to buy her a cup of coffee for saying that!
When I got back to Thailand, as soon as I got in the room I just threw my wedding box and started to cry. It was so hard to accept that dad’s gone and wouldn’t be able to attend my wedding. I even made a special message that I will read for dad on my wedding day. Wrote it while I was waiting for my flight to Manila. I was so excited to tell dad that I’m going to get married. So I thought that I would read out my thank you message for dad and mom before I say my wedding vow. But he won’t hear it now. Why didn’t he wait for my wedding day? I keep asking that to myself. But when I remember how peaceful dad’s face was it stopped me from asking.
I still feel sad till now but I know dad wanted me to move on and accept that he’s for God now. I am letting you go now Tatay, may you find peace and happiness in your new place with God. In there you got the mansion that you said you wanted to give us when we were kids. In there you’re the richest and you can afford everything that we wanted and you would be so please now cos you’ll be able to give us everything. Love you tay. I will always be your sexy.

Friendster blog August 2008

My wedding box

I was so excited that day having to show my dad my wedding box. In it are my wedding gown and stuff, plus Chris’ and dad’s barong. Couldn’t wait to show off what I bought for us. I first pull out the gown from the box. He said I would be the most beautiful bride with that gown as I got a handsome dad. I then showed him his barong. He couldn’t wait to try it on. Told him we should wait for October but he said he wanted to know if it would fit him. He asked if we could both try ours on, me on my wedding gown and dad’s on his barong but he was worried he’s not wearing his black pair of pants that time. He said he wanted a picture of us together. But I told him I had arranged for a photographer for the wedding for sure we will have nice pictures on the wedding and told him we should look at our best when we wear our wedding clothes so told him we have to wait. He insisted on trying his barong. He said if I could just lay it flat on his back to see if shoulders would fit. I gave in to that request. Told him it fit perfectly well and that he would look really handsome on my wedding day. He joked that he would even look more handsome than the groom.

But now, I lose that excitement of looking into my box. Nearly left it at the airport when I flew back to Thailand from Manila. When I got into my room I just left it there in a corner. Each time I lay my eyes on it I can’t help but cry.

I went back to work. My co teachers were all excited to see my wedding gown. They said they wanted to go to my place to look at it. But I couldn’t tell them I got no courage to open my box yet. I tried every night to open it but i failed. Each time I lay my hands on the box my heart feels so sad and tears would just flood down my face and I couldn’t stop crying.

It’s not that I have changed my mind of getting married. I just can’t stand looking into my wedding box knowing my dad wouldn’t be able to make it to my wedding day. i hope God would be so kind to me on my wedding day, I just want to feel my dad’s presence on this special day cos I had been waiting to share this special day with him. Anyway dad’s got his barong with him, he could just pop in anytime during the wedding. Only hope it wont scare the guests away!

Friendster blog August 2008

Thailand has been a second home to me. I came here more than 3 years ago. I was only 27 years old at that time. Like most people from the Philippines, I wanted to try my luck of working abroad. I got friends who are working here as English teachers and they seem to like it here. So when I got everything ready I booked a ticket and took my first flight abroad. I left the company where I had worked for 6 years. I was a Human Resource Specialist back then. I interviewed applicants and prepared training modules for our company. It was very tiring but I had fun and enjoyed my job. At that time, jobs in Thailand were promising a very attractive salary so I had to leave the company and looked for a “greener pasture”!

It was 30^th of June 2005 when the plane landed in Bangkok. I felt both excited and sad. I was excited because everything here was all new to me and sad because it was my first time to be away from my family and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to land a job here. As we get off the plane Thai flight attendants would wai to us and with big wide smiles on their faces they greeted us “Sawasdee Ka!”. True to its name, Thailand is really a land of smiles. In that moment I felt how warm and friendly Thais are. I spent my first week in Thailand traveling around Bangkok. I visited many temples and admired every temple’s architectural designs. They’re all unique and amazing!

My first teaching job in Thailand was in Bangkok. I worked in Kumon in Central Lat Phrao. The salary wasn’t what I expected but I had to accept the job as my pocket money was running out. Kumon is a tutorial center which focuses on subjects like Math and English. In here I was exposed to all levels of students. Starting from as young as 3 years old who had just started learning to utter their first English words to as old as 45 years old who thought it wasn’t too late for them to learn the language. This center was a good training ground for me to hone my teaching skills and my ability to be able to reach out to Thai students who dreaded English. I was then enjoying my job in Bangkok even with a salary that was just enough to cover for all my basic needs when I got a call from Uttaradit School offering me a job. It wasn’t that easy to leave Kumon because I wouldn’t just be leaving a job behind but what saddened me the most was leaving those students who had just started to like “English” as well as their parents who still thought that I am Thai.

I started working for Uttaradit School in April 2006. All the teachers and students made me feel that I was welcome. My co teachers were all very helpful and accommodating. They would even go beyond their way just to extend help whenever I needed one. I got countless lifts going home, free meal, free tour around the city and nearby provinces and also they would even extend financial help and moral support when needed. During the first few months of teaching in this school, I lost count of how many students had run away from me feeling so shy to greet and talk to me in English. Some would even take a different path afraid I’d stop them for a few minutes chat. But as time passed by, I felt so happy how the students have changed. Students now will most likely say, “hi” and “hello”. Some who are braver and confident in their English would stop me and start a small talk, even if it’s just a pattern like “Hi. Hello. How are you? Fine, Thank you and you?”. I felt somehow I had accomplished something when I hear my students try to speak English with me even if they’re just simple and short phrases.

It was in Thailand when I first met my husband. No, he’s not Thai. He’s Canadian. I met him on line.It was also here in Thailand where we got married. We had a beautiful wedding in Chiangmai. Our wedding coordinator did a really good job to give us a wedding to remember for the rest of our lives. It was somewhat different from the ones we had back home. It had a touch of Thai custom. We floated nine (9) fire balloons (Kom Loy). They said as we float these - all our problems, sorrows and bad luck will fly away with them. They also said that 9 is a lucky number for Thais and that floating 9 fire balloons would bring us, the new couple, abundant blessings and good luck.

Next year, I will be moving to Canada to be with my husband. Leaving Thailand would be as hard as leaving home because I had learned how to love it as my own. I had learned how to adapt and embrace its culture and traditions. I even had acquired and mastered the art of bargaining and haggling for price the same way as Thais do when they go shopping. I even look like a Thai with my black hair, skin tone and facial features. I also love Thai food. My husband and I are addicted to sticky rice (Kao Niaw) and pork with basil (Pad Ga Krapao Moo). In fact he asked me to learn how tocook Thai food before I go to Canada. And like Thai people, I also think Song Kran is the most fun filled holiday here. It is fun playing water and getting wet with people who have their water guns and big hose of water ready to splash water on you as you pass by. Oh! I will miss everything in Thailand when I leave. But for sure all the experiences I have had here as well as all the people I have met will always remain in my heart forever. All these would make me want to come back again to the place I called…….my second home!

A rare flower

People seem to just come and go
without noticing this flower
not even a glance was thrown at her
for they find nothing fancy in her —
color’s dull
no fragrance at all
thorns around its stem
and withered petals!

But one day
this flower chance upon a stranger
looking around…
seeking for one rare flower
that might catch his eyes
he didn’t notice her at first
but this flower, hesitant and afraid
decided to make her presence known!

With her withered petals
she stretch out and unfold her beauty
the thorns that were there began to fall off
as it brings out a fragrance, no one could resist!

The stranger looked back
at that dull color flower with withered petals
and noticed how it changed
for each time he threw his attention to her
her color is becoming bright
and seem to have life now
its fragrance has now become more solid
overpowering the fragrance of other flowers around!

That’s when he thought
he wanted this flower for himself
He gave her all his attention
watered her with much love and care
brought her the sunshine that she needs
and all like magic! —-
that dull color flower
became the brightest and the most colorful amongst all of them
that withered petals?
they’re as fresh as ever

But I have to warn the stranger
not to pick this flower
let her grow in beauty
and give out her fragrance
and then you’ll be the proudest
to ever possess this rare flower!

March 2008

That angel from above

I was up there in heaven

yet wasn’t as happy

surrounded with all the richness and beauty

but nothing would ever make me content

nor make me feel I belong there

I wander far

lost my way and chance upon this mortal

couldn’t help but admire

that one handsome face

and those eyes that seem to care

I stayed a bit

and didn’t notice the time

it was too late to fly back to heaven

so I stayed longer

hoping that he’d soon notice my presence

He was such a sight to see

that he took her breath away in an instant

his warm and sunny smile

filled this empty heart

and soon I saw myself falling for this mortal

I have gone out from heaven too long

that other angels came to take me home

but as stubborn as this angel had been

she ran away and try to hide from them

angels gave chase to her wanting her back in heaven

Sad and devastated I was taken back to heaven

spent my lonely nights there

thinking of that life I could have had with him

cried a river thinking of this love that is yet to be shown

and there I was losing all my energy and the will to live

God has taken a pity on me

asked me what I ever so wanted

but I’ve got to give up being an angel

cos I can’t be two things at the same time

and there I was flying down from heaven……. to be with you!



March 2008

A forum reply to a post that said, "Life is unfair and it sucks!"

Why is it that people would always complain even shout at the top of their lungs ……that life has been unfair to them during the lowest points in their lives whereas when they’re at the highest and on the top they would never even care to tell the good news to everyone that life has been fair to them? WHY?

The adikz here were right in telling that it would be a matter of attitude on how you see life? If you see it that way (that life is unfair and it sucks!)— then things would fall exactly as you had perceived it to be. But if you see it in the opposite you would be surprised at how life can be so great that there are things to be happy about and be thankful. You had been blessed in life that you are only suffering this kind of pain. A lot of people had been worrying about food to put in their mouths, or a home to keep them warm at night. I had been heart broken many times and yes it did hurt but never would I complain that life sucks! Being heart broken gives you more time to assess yourself on what could have been wrong there and thus making you a better person. There are more things to worry about. And they are more important. How would you say about start focusing more on your family…how will you able to help them?….how about even for a day…start thinking about that poor kid in street who needs to ask alms so that he could feed himself…how about telling your parents how much you love them? or maybe call your friends whom you haven’t talk for a long time?

before you go to bed tonight think of 5 simple things that you have to be thankful for today. do it every night for a month. I am sure by that time you will never ever think that life is unfair and it sucks. For LIFE is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what you've said.

March 2008

I'm not giving up my happily ever after

Someone once asked me about what’s with this fairytales addiction? Then with a speed of a light I answered, fairy tales never had a sad ending! Always a "and they lived hppily ever after!"

When I was a kid, reading fairytales, sent me to another world of kings and queens, princes and princesses, spells and magic, good and evil. I grew up with a different kind of environment,rather than be sorry and feel bad about it, I allowed myself to be lost in this amazing world of fairy tales. Strange how easy life can be — help would come just in time when you need one. Magic is possible. Star dust works wonder. Characters spent a deal of crying at first but later on get their happily ever after ending, Maybe somehow and someway I was wishing that I was one of this princess and I so definitely want my happily ever after. I became that Princess who kissed the ugly frog Prince but turned out I kissed the wrong frog! It jumped into far away land, crossing mountains and seas and never came back. I became Rapunzel waited for one mighty knight to free me from the tower. He freed me but couldn’t be with me as he himself was a prisoner who couldn’t have his freedom forever. I fell in love with my poor servant, for he was always there willing and ready to protect me and never wanted to see me cry. He overprotected me and "My Lady" got choked. I left without giving him a chance to prove his worth. I was blinded by the sweet words of this Viking up North. I was asked to sky dive without a parachute for he said he would be there catching me when I fall. I hit the ground from thousands of miles up in the air. and kaboom! Hit the bottom ! couldnt even get up again. For a while, I forgot about my fairytales. I started to wander far far away. I met so many friends and they helped me get up again. I am now ready for another wait of my prince who is yet to come.

By the way, on my way back to the castle, the frog prince wanted to come back and he was disguised as my Prince Charming carrying with him my other pair of glass slipper. But this time Cinderella was no fool who could fall for anyone’s tricks. She wanted her happily ever after not just some temporary shots of ecstasy. either you give her the happily ever after now or forget about asking her to try on the glass slipper.

To the tower I went away from all scrutinizing eyes of people. Met an evil witch. But in few seconds I pricked my finger as I touched that spindle. Then off I was sent to sleep land. Cursed to sleep till her prince come to awaken her with a kiss.

Could you be this prince? Come and give her that kiss. For I wont stop writing my fairytales till I get my happily ever after ending!

March 2008

Bad Luck

Just when I thought I’m ready for another plunge, turned out it isn’t worth a try. But I was almost there. Why do I have to meet them but I couldn’t keep them forever? Sometimes I wonder If there could be something wrong in me or was it more likely saying that when the world rained with bad luck I was outside with a gigantic basin catching every drop of those!

I’d better be home when it rains next time

February 2008

The lost Cinderella in me

Yes, I had been through a lot trying to go for that dream. But that didn’t make me lose hope of one day having it. I am as fragile as that glass slipper I left in the ball. Hoping that in time, my prince would go looking for that other pair which I am holding now.

I look out of the window each night trying to find you in between those dark and moonless nights but I see no trace of you. I woke up looking forward for the day that the sun will soon shine and smile at me as he brings you to my door step with my other pair of glass slipper.

Yes, I had been waiting. Yes, I am fragile. But please spare me with your cunning tricks for I am hurting. I’m not up for a show to amuse you nor to feed your already heightened ego. Leave the glass slipper if you can’t handle it with much care and concern. Let others find it. In time I know, someone will come…bring that other pair to me… and soon enough I’ll have my happy ending!

February 2008

The wedding

As I was taking off this dress I wore in the wedding, I could see those tears about to fall now. I wasn’t that fast though…couldn’t stop them from falling. I went to pick up my shoes from the door step but I’d noticed my face was already soaking wet with tears. The scene from earlier flashbacked. Happy and excited faces I could see on everyone. They asked the couple to go on stage. I got cold feet and started to feel like butterflies had run amok in my tummy. I held on to his hand tighter. He gave me that kind of look as if he was trying to say, "not a good thing to say you’re backing out!" I try to give out one phony smile and I was led by him to the stage. It seemed an endless queue of people wanting to greet us. Food was on every table. Visitors and guests were enjoying their share of all these delectable dishes. But nothing seemed to favor my palate. I just wanted to go home. Away from it all. I saw myself in the car. When it halted in a full stop and I heard a voice, "Here we are!", that’s when I suddenly got back to my senses. I won’t be attending another wedding anymore unless it’s mine grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

January 2008

I'm back blogging!

Been a while since my last post. Maybe my mind was frozen as winter takes in and try to cool the burning flame I thought I have in me. It is as cold as icy snow (not that it snows in Thailand, just couldnt think of any simile for that) from deep within. Need some warmth not to freeze everything in. Good I got friends to turn to. If you just need a smile or two buzz them — you will end up getting more than that. You will get extra — "See what I’m saying?", "Cos you didn’t listen!", "Here we are again!", "Poor Carmelita!", "Hey, cheer up youre too beautiful to be booted out!"…and some stuff like,"Come over, I still got that tequilla and salt here!".

But then after a while once you went offline…shut down the pc. Then loneliness sinks in. Youve got no one but only yourself. Ive seen that same face again in the mirror. Boy! I should have listened to that tiny voice in me. Hate seeing this old me. Gotta start working now to get back that gorgeous me hehehe

January 2008