And everyone said I was that strong. But they didn’t know I was battling a deep sense of sadness from within. I had to be strong for everyone. Maybe thats dad what wanted me to be that time. Where everyone else was crying, sobbing, some even got hysterical, I was just in the corner thinking of what were the things that needed to be done. Have we paid off the hospital bills? What’s dad going to wear? What about the funeral service? Where will he be buried? What would happen to the shop? Will my bro be able to run the shop? A lot of things in my head really that I didn’t have time to cry.
I remember that call I got from my stepmom telling me that dad couldn’t move half of his body. Told her to get him to the hospital..drag him if needed. Told her I’d be there with the money (said that even if I only had 2K pesos in my wallet! I was planning of pawning my things). I had been exchanging sms with my bro for the next hour. Thought everything was ok then said they only needed a CT scan. But I was still restless and couldn’t sleep. Got a phone call from my bro, "Te, wala na si tatay!" I didn’t even cry. I just said, I will be there then hang up. I changed clothes then woke my sis up and told her dad’s dead if she wanted to come with me to Bulacan. On our way there sis was sobbing while I sat there with a blank expression on my face. When we got there and saw my stepmom and bro all of them were crying and sobbing I was still calm and didn’t cry. But it hurt inside. Yet something in me tells me that I shouldn’t cry. That I should be strong. My bro told me that we should head straight to home cos dad’s at the morgue and we couldnt get him till the morning. I asked what’s dad going to wear. They said a coat and tie of a friend. I told them no cos I wanted dad to wear the barong he’s going to wear for the wedding and that black pair of pants he’d been asking from my stepmom to wear on the day I last saw him alive. I left dad’s barong at my sis’ place in Pasig so we had to let him wear a new barong that I bought from the market. We just changed his barong on the second day of his wake. And he was really right when he said he’d look gorgeous in his barong. Yes, this really is my handsome dad who always told me I got my good looks from him even if the truth is i look more of my mom. But I got my lips and dimples from him. yes definitely i got my good looks from him. now I got to agree! I am sure he would love that! I was caught up with fixing and arranging everything for dad’s funeral I didn’t have time to cry and feel sad. All i could think about was to have everything in place and in order cos that’s what dad always wanted me to do. He said amongst us all he would always rely on me to fix things as I got the clearest mind and good judgment. I hope I had made everything the way he wanted them to be.
While I was waiting at the airport with my wedding box beside me, that’s the time I burst out crying the woman that sat beside me was shocked. I just made a joke and told her that my bf left me for another woman (couldn’t tell that my dad died I still couldn’t accept that he’s gone). She said I am too beautiful and that I shouldn’t feel sad cos I would still find another man. That comment made me smile I wanted to buy her a cup of coffee for saying that!
When I got back to Thailand, as soon as I got in the room I just threw my wedding box and started to cry. It was so hard to accept that dad’s gone and wouldn’t be able to attend my wedding. I even made a special message that I will read for dad on my wedding day. Wrote it while I was waiting for my flight to Manila. I was so excited to tell dad that I’m going to get married. So I thought that I would read out my thank you message for dad and mom before I say my wedding vow. But he won’t hear it now. Why didn’t he wait for my wedding day? I keep asking that to myself. But when I remember how peaceful dad’s face was it stopped me from asking.
I still feel sad till now but I know dad wanted me to move on and accept that he’s for God now. I am letting you go now Tatay, may you find peace and happiness in your new place with God. In there you got the mansion that you said you wanted to give us when we were kids. In there you’re the richest and you can afford everything that we wanted and you would be so please now cos you’ll be able to give us everything. Love you tay. I will always be your sexy.
Friendster blog August 2008
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