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I can’t wait to be home. Home is where you are sweet. Home is where I can see you all the time with no worries of internet connection or problems with cams. Home is where I get to kiss those lips and be lost with words for our lips will speak their own language — our needs to be loved and be one! Home is where I get to feel so secure and warm with your strong and steady arms wrapped around me. Home is where I get to see those shining eyes looking back at me. I wish I could be home soon!

{Friendster blog August 2008}

Finally! I got to open my box!

A little story first about how I was able to open my box…..

Yesterday was my sweet’s birthday. Made a video for him - I dressed up and asked him if he could go out and have dinner with me. Thank God for the internet! Without it life for us will just be unbearable and lonely! So there I was in the video dressed in my best clothes asking him for a date as a gift for his birthday! He had made my birthday so special and I wanted to have his as special as mine. He was so happy he said for everything I got him for his birthday so he also made a video to answer that call for a date. And I bet you know how gorgeous he was in the video wearing a suit! He was so handsome that I started to think of how he would look like on our wedding day. I felt this sudden need to look for my box and without much hesitation I just opened the box. All I wanted to see was how beautiful the dress when I wear this on our wedding day. I feel so at peace and felt so good inside. I started getting excited for October. Oh I couldn’t wait to be married now! I maybe crying now but this is tears of happiness for being able to open my box. Gone now is the fear of opening it cos all I see before was my dad’s sad face that he wouldn’t be able to attend my wedding. I know that dad where ever he is now must have been so happy for me that I am finally getting what I dreamed of — that is to be married to the one who would love me and make me his world!

{Friendster blog August 2008}

My forever

Alone, I wonder if someone out there

needs my love

and if there is

would he stay till forever?

I sat there waiting

a few passed

but they didn’t stay long

thought I wasn’t worthy!

But one day

I chanced upon him

took all the courage I had in me

and said my very first, "hi"!

Glad I did!

for that one message

I came to know him

he is everything that I wanted!

He, who made me feel so special

made me feel worthy

made me feel I deserve to be loved

so happy I found my forever in you!

I love you so much my sweet! Happy birthday!


{Friendster blog August 2008}

What you mean to me

my sweet sent me an email telling me what I mean to him… so I thought I should also tell him what he means to me and I’ve listed some here…

This is for my sweet Chris…

1. You’re a new day that I look forward to. Cos I know that a new day would mean another day to feel your love.

2. You’re that happily ever after in my fairy tale.I almost gave up this dream but you came and made me believe it is still possible.

3. You’re that breeze that washed away all those past hurts leaving me with a happy feeling inside knowing that someone is willing to love me back.

4. You’re that rainbow that gives me hope that I can paint my life with different colors as long as I am with you.

5. You’re that warmth I have been longing to embrace me. In your arms I would feel so secure and loved.

6. You’re that kiss that would seal this love and make this to last till forever.

7. You’re that dream I had been asking from God and I thank HIM with all my heart that HE gave me you, my sweet.

8. You’re that star in the sky that I keep watching hoping and wishing that you're shining for me. I love watching stars at night. and each time I look at them I would choose one star and pretend that one star is made for me. Yes, shining for me sweet. That star always cheer me up. and that's you sweet. even if things seem not to go well but when I see you and know how much you love me then I would feel calm and have hope that everything will be ok soon.

9. You’re that music in my heart it just keeps playing inside and wont stop and it feels so good.

10. You’re my forever. and I would stay in love with you like this till my last breath.

He made this day so special for me

I was still up till the wee hours last night. I couldnt sleep. Was missing my tatay. I couldn’t help but cry. I flooded his windows with offline messages knowing he’s still at work. I thought I would feel better doing that. But I still feel sad and sent him sms. Told him I miss dad and I was crying. He replied telling he’d be home soon. Was surprised to see him home so early. Said he couldn’t stop thinking about me feeling so sad and that he had to rush home so I could see him on cam. I have never been given so much love and attention like this in my life. I feel so important and special. He said I could open my parcel cos it’s already my birthday, although this came 3 days earlier( I told him I have to put off opening the parcel till my birthday). When I open the parcel in it are lots of stuff wrapped for my birthday. He wrapped everything so that I would have so many gifts to open. Cos I told him before that I never got to receive many gifts for my birthday. So he wanted me to have all these gifts for me to open on my birthday. I first looked into this cute drawing of Reauna, his little girl. He told me about this drawing. Said her daughter heard him while we were talking on the phone about my dad. He told her that I was so sad that time. She said that she would make something to cheer me up. She got me that drawing. And it was so sweet of her to have my name there with her dad’s and her bro. Such a sweet kid. She told her dad to make sure to send this drawing to me. I couldn’t help but cry when I saw the drawing. Yes, I am a cry baby. Then I read his letter telling me how much he loves me and that he can’t wait for October to be married to me. Then I read the card..and this one really made cry. The message touched me. It felt like it was talking to me. The message that said there talked about a boy who once daydreamed of a sort of person he would love someday..he pretended that he would find someone out of a fairytale, someone wonderful and not like anyone else in the world. But it said there like when he grew up, he stopped believing in love cos things wouldnt just go the way he hoped they would but then it happened that he met somebody along the way and changed his life in a way he never thought possible. It also said there that he must be luckier than most people cos he finally got his dream come true! and that was me! I just wont stop crying when I read that card. And I got him crying too That was the best gift I got from him. I loved opening all the gifts he got for me. I satisfied that childlike feeling in me of having to open so many gifts that time. I felt so happy and so special. And all these is because I got this one guy who loves me this much and wanted to make this day very special for me. I can’t wait to be your Mrs. Tilley, my sweet! I love you so much!

{Friendster August 2008}

Miss my tatay (dad)

I was about to sleep but then I started thinking about the wedding. I imagine myself walking down the aisle and there was my sweet waiting for me. It felt so good but when the time that I had to say my wedding vow I asked my sweet if I could just say a special message for my parents. But when I looked back I felt so sad cos I didn’t find my tatay there. That’s when I realize he’s gone. And I can’t help but cry. I miss my tatay badly. Miss him now cos it’s my birthday. I miss him say happy birthday anak. Sana makuha mo lahat ng pangarap mo, Sy (that’s his petname for me short for sexy). even if he always would say that same lines on my birthday. I still want to hear them. Miss you tatay. Hope youre happy in heaven now and wishing me a happy birthday!


Friendster blog August 2008

My star

For a long time I was admiring that star up above. But one night when I looked up, I didn’t find it there. My star was gone. I felt so sad. I cried for a long time asking God why did HE let my star disappear? That star was my only hope that I’d soon be happy and complete and now it’s gone. Thought God didn’t love me that much. But little did I know that HE handpicked my star to give it especially for me. And this star is coming in October to make me the happiest and to finally complete me!



Friendster blog August 2008

Sukob

I don’t understand if I should listen to some that said to postpone the wedding till next year. But my heart says to push thru with the wedding. I know this is also what dad wanted me to do cos he for sure would want me to be happy. And to be married with my sweet would make the happiest. I had waited for a long time for this love to come along and I don’t want to let it just go away only cos I had to follow this "sukob" thing. God guided me into finding this love I know He wouldn’t let anything bad to happen to us.



Friendster blog August 2008

Dad's gone but he will always be remembered

And everyone said I was that strong. But they didn’t know I was battling a deep sense of sadness from within. I had to be strong for everyone. Maybe thats dad what wanted me to be that time. Where everyone else was crying, sobbing, some even got hysterical, I was just in the corner thinking of what were the things that needed to be done. Have we paid off the hospital bills? What’s dad going to wear? What about the funeral service? Where will he be buried? What would happen to the shop? Will my bro be able to run the shop? A lot of things in my head really that I didn’t have time to cry.

I remember that call I got from my stepmom telling me that dad couldn’t move half of his body. Told her to get him to the hospital..drag him if needed. Told her I’d be there with the money (said that even if I only had 2K pesos in my wallet! I was planning of pawning my things). I had been exchanging sms with my bro for the next hour. Thought everything was ok then said they only needed a CT scan. But I was still restless and couldn’t sleep. Got a phone call from my bro, "Te, wala na si tatay!" I didn’t even cry. I just said, I will be there then hang up. I changed clothes then woke my sis up and told her dad’s dead if she wanted to come with me to Bulacan. On our way there sis was sobbing while I sat there with a blank expression on my face. When we got there and saw my stepmom and bro all of them were crying and sobbing I was still calm and didn’t cry. But it hurt inside. Yet something in me tells me that I shouldn’t cry. That I should be strong. My bro told me that we should head straight to home cos dad’s at the morgue and we couldnt get him till the morning. I asked what’s dad going to wear. They said a coat and tie of a friend. I told them no cos I wanted dad to wear the barong he’s going to wear for the wedding and that black pair of pants he’d been asking from my stepmom to wear on the day I last saw him alive. I left dad’s barong at my sis’ place in Pasig so we had to let him wear a new barong that I bought from the market. We just changed his barong on the second day of his wake. And he was really right when he said he’d look gorgeous in his barong. Yes, this really is my handsome dad who always told me I got my good looks from him even if the truth is i look more of my mom. But I got my lips and dimples from him. yes definitely i got my good looks from him. now I got to agree! I am sure he would love that! I was caught up with fixing and arranging everything for dad’s funeral I didn’t have time to cry and feel sad. All i could think about was to have everything in place and in order cos that’s what dad always wanted me to do. He said amongst us all he would always rely on me to fix things as I got the clearest mind and good judgment. I hope I had made everything the way he wanted them to be.
While I was waiting at the airport with my wedding box beside me, that’s the time I burst out crying the woman that sat beside me was shocked. I just made a joke and told her that my bf left me for another woman (couldn’t tell that my dad died I still couldn’t accept that he’s gone). She said I am too beautiful and that I shouldn’t feel sad cos I would still find another man. That comment made me smile I wanted to buy her a cup of coffee for saying that!
When I got back to Thailand, as soon as I got in the room I just threw my wedding box and started to cry. It was so hard to accept that dad’s gone and wouldn’t be able to attend my wedding. I even made a special message that I will read for dad on my wedding day. Wrote it while I was waiting for my flight to Manila. I was so excited to tell dad that I’m going to get married. So I thought that I would read out my thank you message for dad and mom before I say my wedding vow. But he won’t hear it now. Why didn’t he wait for my wedding day? I keep asking that to myself. But when I remember how peaceful dad’s face was it stopped me from asking.
I still feel sad till now but I know dad wanted me to move on and accept that he’s for God now. I am letting you go now Tatay, may you find peace and happiness in your new place with God. In there you got the mansion that you said you wanted to give us when we were kids. In there you’re the richest and you can afford everything that we wanted and you would be so please now cos you’ll be able to give us everything. Love you tay. I will always be your sexy.

Friendster blog August 2008

My wedding box

I was so excited that day having to show my dad my wedding box. In it are my wedding gown and stuff, plus Chris’ and dad’s barong. Couldn’t wait to show off what I bought for us. I first pull out the gown from the box. He said I would be the most beautiful bride with that gown as I got a handsome dad. I then showed him his barong. He couldn’t wait to try it on. Told him we should wait for October but he said he wanted to know if it would fit him. He asked if we could both try ours on, me on my wedding gown and dad’s on his barong but he was worried he’s not wearing his black pair of pants that time. He said he wanted a picture of us together. But I told him I had arranged for a photographer for the wedding for sure we will have nice pictures on the wedding and told him we should look at our best when we wear our wedding clothes so told him we have to wait. He insisted on trying his barong. He said if I could just lay it flat on his back to see if shoulders would fit. I gave in to that request. Told him it fit perfectly well and that he would look really handsome on my wedding day. He joked that he would even look more handsome than the groom.

But now, I lose that excitement of looking into my box. Nearly left it at the airport when I flew back to Thailand from Manila. When I got into my room I just left it there in a corner. Each time I lay my eyes on it I can’t help but cry.

I went back to work. My co teachers were all excited to see my wedding gown. They said they wanted to go to my place to look at it. But I couldn’t tell them I got no courage to open my box yet. I tried every night to open it but i failed. Each time I lay my hands on the box my heart feels so sad and tears would just flood down my face and I couldn’t stop crying.

It’s not that I have changed my mind of getting married. I just can’t stand looking into my wedding box knowing my dad wouldn’t be able to make it to my wedding day. i hope God would be so kind to me on my wedding day, I just want to feel my dad’s presence on this special day cos I had been waiting to share this special day with him. Anyway dad’s got his barong with him, he could just pop in anytime during the wedding. Only hope it wont scare the guests away!

Friendster blog August 2008