When you're sick and you're alone

Been working hard the past few months….and damned i swear every inch of my body cries as it had been used to its max. Now it’s payback time!

Hatchoooooooooooooooo! been sneezing for days now…and damn this dry cough has been here as well! and finally this high temperature had knocked me down…my body’s shivering…oh not to forget this annoying headache…i feel so terrible…oh how i hate being sick! no one’s here to make me some hot milk or hot soup maybe….or give me some meds..or someone just to be beside and tell me that i’ll be ok soon. oh how i miss being home. I would have had all the care i could get if only im home.

But what will i do now? Im alone here…got to be strong.I am not dying yet aint I? What to do? keep that lazy butt off your bed and start taking care of yourself. You will be better tomorrow…that im sure!

Did I say thank you yet?

Was in front of the mirror brushing my almost waist-length black hair. I just had been into a hairdressers’ and had my hair spa. It felt good to the scalp - feels fresh and clean; and your hairstrands shine like they have just been newly waxed. There was a time when I can’t even step foot in a cheap salon. But at that time i had more time to thank you —– when i shampoo my hair, when I comb it just after my shower, even when i hurriedly don it into a pony tail (i never forget to thank you).

Was staring blank at this laptop i bought about a month ago. Since that time I got hooked into chatting 24/7. I can still remember how I would spend hours in the internet cafe to surf for some materials that I will use in my class, but did I say….thank you yet? I used to say thank you before… each time I can afford to pay for a 5-hour use of the internet.

Was waiting for my flight going back to Bangkok. I just had a week holiday in Dubai. Oh I get to travel now (and wow abroad?!?), before… the last expensive trip that i had was 4 yrs ago(?) in Bohol and Cebu. But never did I forget to say thank you especially when i had to experience my first plane ride.

I may keep forgetting to say thank you…but i know that you are aware of what my heart feels each time i get all these blessings from you. Thank you so much………….

Anniversary

This 30th June would be my one year away from home. Seemed like it was just yesterday. My mind brought me back to the airport. It was a heavy feeling. I didn’t really want to go but I felt I need to. Not just for my family….but also for myself. Call me crazy…but I’ve got this strange, romantic and silly ideas running on my head that time (I may be watching too many Julia Roberts' movies!). I was just waiting for you to stop me from leaving and then finally ask me to have a life together. Oh my! I never learned my lesson. Last time, when you gave me that ring thought that would have been my long awaited proposal But….sad… it didn’t happen, the way I had expected it to be. I knew then that it would have been the last hug…the last kiss… and the last time we’ll be seeing each other. Perhaps you don’t love me that much. or I maybe wrong. I am no good judge of your own feelings. But what I do know was how you had made me feel on that night. I was the one who was leaving then but it felt I was the one being left out and abandoned.

On board the plane to this foreign land, I knew not what to expect. I was trying to find answers behind those rows of lights that I can see from a far when the plane landed….Ah! Bangkok! The battle had begun. I was so unprepared. I didn’t know then how to cope up. All I can do is just cry myself to sleep. Been like that for a long time, until my tears had run dry and my eyes can cry no more. I need to forget you…. and let go of this love….why?…to keep me sane!

Now, I’d started to get a feel of life….my very own life…my own world. It may be a bit too late to start anew. But what could have been better than to get yourself back and loving it!

Eggs and hiccups

Ever heard of an old saying, ‘when you get hiccups, you probably stole an egg!’? I’ve heard that a lot of times when i was growing up. Maybe that compelled me to try to steal an egg

When I was in grade school, I was always up early. At 5 AM I would find my way to that small bakery, which sells the most delicious hot pandesal in our place. Just outside that store near an old door stood a wooden box full of eggs…i tell you lots of eggs…really! Then instantly… like a thought balloon was above my head…. Tiiiiing! Aha! They always blame me of stealing eggs whenever i got hiccups. Why not steal now so the next time they would ask me.. i can answer with, "Yes, I stole one!" hehehe. So silly I know! But what can you expect from the mind of an eight year old? And so there goes my first experience of being a petty thief…. I stole an egg. I was so nervous. My heartbeat was on its fast tempo even when i reached home. But after a while, I felt OK. That morning…. had a sunny side up with my hot pandesal.

I stopped going to the bakery for the entire week for fear that the baker had seen me stealing their egss. But i miss eating pandesal. So a week after that, I went to the bakery and pretended as if nothing happened. The wooden box of egss were still in that same place. I didn’t know what came into my mind… but those egss were tempting me to steal again. So instead of stealing 1 egg, now I stole two! It was so easy and somehow it felt satisfying! In psychology they say when you have this strong need to have or to do something you must give in to it or you might just go crazy crying for that need to be fulfilled. So that’s what I did. Deep inside me was a need waiting to be satisfied. The need is to steal that egg and doing it is a relief and a full satisfaction! This time I’ve had scrambled eggs paired with my hot pandesal

I went on stealing eggs for the next 2 days as it was so easy to do and you can’t tell the satisfaction i get from it everytime i weren’t caught. On the 3rd day, the wooden box of eggs was not on its usual place anymore. I was so scared. I wanted to run and forget about buying hot pandesal. But the baker was already infront of me and asking me how many pandesal am I going to buy today. I was so ashamed that i only spoke a whisper and can’t look the baker straight on his eyes. Later in that afternoon I was called on by my step mom. She had this very serious look on her face that I almost guess wha’ts going to happen next. And I was right… as I knelt on a handful of rock salt laid on the floor with arms raised while holding those eggs…That was my punishment…. oh I forget to mention I had eggs for my entire meal that day.

In loving myself..

MUST…..

see myself as a beautiful person, capable to love and be loved

learn how to make mistakes and accept my flaws

know how to cry and to know when to stop

laugh at how silly I can be sometimes

tell myself that I can be greater or lesser than others

believe in what I can and can’t do

be happy that I am me and not anybody else!

Fifty pesos

I was a college student then. My mom and I only got fifty pesos to spend for food and its still 3 more days before pay day. We were just staring at each other for hours with the P50 bill on the table. At last mom got up and said, "We can manage with this, don’t worry!". But as she said this i can see from her eyes how worried she was. Then jokingly I said, "It’s OK Nay, you can buy so many things with our P500!" My mom immediately answered with, "How hungry you might be! that you’ve gone mad! This is only fifty not five hundred!" My mom sometimes doesn’t like humor on times like this! But really there’s nothing to joke about that time. I was just trying to keep that worried look off her face!. That’s when she left.

An hour had passed…..two….three? maybe….then she came. Carefully taking out from her plastic bag what she had bought for us. Never before had i seen a garden laid down on the table All the vegetables that you can find in your garden, a half kilo of the cheapest fish (tamban), and a kilo of NFA rice. I was helping mom to prepare our dinner when she remembered something. She pulled out a folded and dirty paper from her pocket and said, "Sy, can you look at this and see what’s inside? I found it on the way to the market!"

I reached out for the paper. It was so dirty and got lots of footmarks. Many people may have come before my mom and just stepped on it. Mom said she was hesitant at first to pick it up but then she felt a strong urge to have that dirty paper. She just slid it into her pocket then went her way to the market and have forgotten all about it until now as she was trying to see how much was left from our fifty pesos. I was trying to put off some dirt from that paper when i’d noticed that there was something written on top of the paper. It says, To: Marie. I told mom, "It looks like a love letter mom. You told me not to read someone else’s letter before. Shall i read this one?" Mom answered, "Don’t worry we don’t even know who that Marie is and she doesn’t know us either! So c’mon read it." "OK as you said so!"

It was no ordinary paper…. it’s a stationary and neatly folded. When i came to the last fold, I hardly believe what I saw. In it was a P500 bill! When i told my mom, she nearly dropped our dinner to the floor. We were so blessed that time.

It’s really true that He will provide when you are in need. Just hung on and have faith. He will defintely send you His gift that will be exclusively yours. You see my mom’s name is Rosemarie!

Dream lost...Love lost

Thought ours was different. Something that would last a lifetime. So many promises made…too many dreams dreamt. I really don’t know how the kind of love that we used to have will be lost in an instant. Maybe we didn’t love enough? or we cared less? or we’ve been so insensitive with each others’ dreams. I want my dream and giving me that dream would mean giving up yours. And you’re not ready for it nor am I willing to give up mine now. I had loved you too much before that I tried to keep that dream off my head. But it just can’t go on forever. The more I suppress that dream and hide it deep into my heart….my soul just stubbornly asks for it to be fulfilled. The many times you ignored and took this dream unnoticed.. the more times i feel frustrated…and I don’t like the feeling. I’ve never felt so low and unwanted in my life each time you unknowingly say you’re not ready. Perhaps you’re not aware of the signals you’ve been sending….but it did hurt…really! It feels like a throbbing pain within….so painful that I needed to command my mind to be numb and to feel nothing anymore. That’s when I stop dreaming….that’s when i stop loving you!

Sadi

Half grinning I looked at my phone…27 missed calls…all came from one number. My heart’s in ecstasy…my nerves got excited…in a way, they would love to dance. Somehow from deep within this is really what I want…but…wait…i still want more…I want to see that agonizing pain in him…want to see that worried look in his face…want those tears that are now collecting in the corner of his eyes to completely flood down from it…been meaning to hear those silent and suppressed sobs…Oh how I would love to listen and learn the rythm!

Maso

I take severe pleasure in wanting to see myself cry in front of the mirror. I felt overwhelmed seeing those tears…as if each drop will race down to the finish line—- my EMOTIONLESS face! Why do i feel that I am no longer part of either worlds? I am awaken in a world where you have to conform and do things exactly as what others would like you to do. A slight deviation suggests a cruel punishment—- A SILENT WAR! A situation in which you never want to be in. It leaves no physical marks of abuse though….yet the emotional scar that it made will keep your inside so hollow that you no longer feel whole. That’s when i created my own world so as to gather those shattered pieces back…mend it on my inside…thus making me whole again. But then…still…in this world where I am my own captain I never felt the same excitement and pleasure that I used to have on that other world. I longed for those nights that i used to cry in pain. I missed hearing my body shouts in its excruciating agony. I wanted so much to be locked in the dark room again and be abandoned!

OC

Has it been the nth time that I’d secured the door and windows locked? Had i put the table and that heavy shelf behind the door? Had i fastened the curtains on my window? How many nails do i need to make sure that it cant be removed even by a strongest force? Oh i nearly forgotten!….i still need to take my nth shower i still feel unclean!

Para

How many pairs of eyes are looking at me now? Perhaps even following me? I gasped trying to hold my breath….I should be extremely cautious and careful not make a sound. A minute noise can send signal that i’m still alive…waiting to be devoured and filled their insatiable appetite. I stayed still for a moment trying to wedge my already shaking body in that dark corner…Suddenly…I can hear some foot steps…louder this time….I can sense that they’re near…Oh my! They’ve found me!

Phobi

All sweat as my body trembled with fear. These things in my stomach aren’t butterflies at all. They turned out to be bees that were just being disturbed in their quiet beehive. Now they’re angry and hurrying hither thither….Oh such noise they make! I'm beginning to feel restless and fidgetty. I might faint…Oh I cant breathe…Give me some air! Open the door!… I’ll rather take the stairs!

Grand Del

I worry too much…. my friends would say… I should be… you just don't know how important is the task that i am assigned to do. I must keep the balance between these two opposing worlds. One world needed more of me….yet if I submit to their needs… i will be short of what to give to the other world. Now whom should i be giving myself to maintain that balance? Other said it’s wise to use your heart in this case…but then this had become more difficult…you see both worlds didn't teach me how to use my heart! I know not of its use!

Bi Pol

Mornings have always been the active and lovely time of your usually busy life. You got the job that you so desperately wanted….successfully harvesting the financial fruits of your labour of love as you’ve said before. Got lots of friends who still keep sticking with you…smiling…and always seemed to be pleased with your presence…your most treasured and ‘famee-a-priori’ has gotten all what they need maybe you even provided them more….So what more can you ask for? Being in this situation is like describing what it feels like to be in cloud nine!

But evening? You hate it! You’d swear you will give up all what you have now just to stop it from coming. Because it’s in this time when this gnawing loneliness will sink into your soul….little by little by taking a bite… till it breaks into pieces. You can never have it again…..no matter how hard you try…even your most tempting bargain cant bring it back. You can only cry now and regret that you had lost that LOVE which you claimed is your LIFE!

Perhaps

Perhaps I wanted so much to have this life together

Perhaps I wanted not to let a day pass without letting you know how much i wanted to be with you

Perhaps I wanted more of your time and attention

Perhaps I wanted not to be put aside and be forgotten

Perhaps I wanted more laugh with you

Perhaps I wanted more hugs

Perhaps I wanted more kisses

Perhaps I wanted to hear more I love you’s

Perhaps I wanted to make you my world

Perhaps I wanted you tho think of me alone and no one else

Perhaps I wanted to see your face as I close my eyes at night

Perhaps I wanted the feel of seeing you beside me when I woke up in the morning

Perhaps I wanted a baby and enjoy being called "Mom"

Perhaps I wanted a family to live and care for

Perhaps…perhaps…perhaps….

I'm selfish to want this so much when you don't feel the same way!

Shall I?

Shall I let go of this love that i’ve known and kept for so long to give way and welcome this new found feeling which is just beyond reach;

Shall I give up that dream of forever with you when i can have that reality knocking at my door now;

Shall i wait still unaware of how long will it take me when i can own the place of "PRIORITY" and never have to wait;

Shall i believe your promises and words of love and concern when they are just mere words that can be spoken today and can never be put into actions;

Shall i go out from your life and never come back? maybe then you’ll know that I and my love for you are worth keeping?

Let me know you again

It was one of the same nights I’ve had since i came here. Only something was quite different and i cant figure it out. I still cry… still read the same old letters (that are now nearly torn)…and yes still look at the same old pictures… But what was it that made this night seemed different? Ahhhhhhhhhh! My heart doesn’t recognize you now……………….. Had it been that long?