Help me find what's keeping me up at night

Was it the cold of the night that wont allow me to sleep? Had my pjs on, a nice warm sweater and a pair of pink socks plus this super thick comforter. Couldnt sleep still.

Was it the bed? It felt so empty having the tiny me in this uber wide bed. I scattered my pillows …my pink teddy was right there looking at me…got all my spare blankets and towels from the closet put everything on the bed till there would be no space left. Yet sleep was never known to me.

Was it the four cups of coffee I had for the day? I used to have 6 to 8 cups before and still could be sound in bed.

Was it my neighbors who used to make loud noise at night? No. They arent home yet maybe still celebrating Father’s day (King’s birthday in Thailand)

Was it because of thinking too much? No. I already blocked my mind from thinking cos it’ll make me feel sad.

Was it the lesson plan I had yet to prepare for tomorrow? No. I can walk in the classroom tomorrow with a lesson plan in my head lol

Was it cos I hadn’t brushed my teeth yet? I can manage without it esp if I’m too tired from work…I would just go straight to bed without even changing clothes.

What then is keeping me up all night??? TELL ME

December 2007

Moving on 101

I used to think moving on after a loooooooooooong time relationship was that hard...i mean really difficult as in it gonna take you ages to be able to do so. But then I realized....it's that easy! Hey but don't tell me maybe I didn't love him. I did. Was so in love with him...gave my heart...my soul...and everything in me because at that time I really thought that he's going to be my forever. No one can really tell who you going to end up with. Even if you so desperately wish and try to work things out with all your might---- end of line... it's not really in your hands. Time will tell. Fate will determine. Destiny will conclude.

Here's the tip....Moving on 101.....

1. Accept the fact that it's over. A sentence always has a "period" or "full stop" in its ending. So once the relationship ends....full stop(.)! It's not a comma(,) that u can pause for a while then continue with the sentence. Once it ends in a full stop....the sentence is finished. You can begin with another one. A new sentence.

2. Look forward into meeting others. Go out and have fun. Don't lock yourself in a tower and just wait for another Prince Charming to come and sweep you off your feet.

3. Throw away the chains that locked your hearts. Yours needs to be free as well as his. So give both yourselves the chance to feel free to love again.

4. Be thankful that you've had this chance to have loved him/her. Admit it ...your time together when both of you still feel the same intensity of love...they were all wonderful!

5. Don't feel sad that you're losing him/her just be happy that he/she is working now in pursuing his/her dreams. A great love is to allow your partner to let him/her have his/her dreams even if it meant saying goodbye and losing him/her forever.

She

delights in every single line of poetry

gets teary eyed to a sad love song

dances to the music of her heart

throws a tantrum when unnoticed

sings to the tune of her feelings

cries when rejected

smiles with the thought of her beloved

weeps when abandoned

laughs at her mistakes

and…..

SHE writes a blog

September 2007

Another year

Another year had passed since my
last birthday.. What have I got and lost? Gained many friends most of them from
on line (thanks to friendster, multiply and yahoo). Reunited and got connected
with my fellow pilarians (who would have thought we would enjoy reminiscing the
old high school days wherein before we only know each other "by faces" not "by
names" but look at us now we even got our pet names for each other, so sweet).
Lost a few friends and people whom I loved and cared about, unfortunately. But
that is what life is as far as friendship and relationship goes. Learned new
lessons in life brought about by curiosity, love, hatred, vengeance, and
ignorance.

CURIOSITY

It did kill the cat! But
instincts could save you, that’s why I am still here. Alive and kicking

LOVE

I learned that a man
couldn’t’ love you more than his family (don’t raise an eyebrow please I am just
speaking through experience). So better go out with an orphan!

HATRED

It is damn too heavy to
carry! Have this only for a lil while then LEAVE it behind! You would walk
faster and smoothly without it!

VENGEANCE

Some lil goody food for your
ego. Do it MILD, NICE and EASY! and do it only ONCE. Watch out for
KARMA!

IGNORANCE

The world isn’t always as
friendly to an ignoramus. Read instructions carefully and follow it to the
letter!

August 2007

Lost

I don't know what kind of life I'm leading to right now? I seem to be at lost here. For a moment, I never care for directions anymore. If I go left today and turn right tomorrow doesn't really matter. I only live for a day now expecting nothing.

What has happened to me? I used to have dreams....lots of them. All wonderful and exciting. But now for no reason at all -- I just stopped dreaming! Hmmm....Who am I trying to fool here? MYSELF I guess!

Football

Life is like a football game. You have to aim and make a goal in order to win. But it isn't as easy as it seems. You see even football players have to sweat it out and use all the strength inside their bodies to make sure their team wins.

When you are now out in the field, how do you play the game? Will you be a passive player or an aggressive one? Will you lay still and just watch while the ball makes its way to the opponent's goal? or will you be brave enough to charge and try to steal the ball and give it a mighty kick towards your team's goal?

Let us live our lives like we are playing football - Don't be afraid to charge; appear strong (let your opponent be scared to take the ball from you); use your head (it's meant for thinking!) - use strategy! and what's most important....... kick the ball as if your aiming for the world cup finals!

An irony of life

How strange life can really be. All your life you spend searching for that something. You keep on looking too far where in fact it was just right in front of you and within reach.

But here's the catch, once you get hold of it... you keep on pushing it away. Push it further away...until it slipped and bound never to return

Up and ready to greet the sun with a smile

I woke up feeling renewed today. Last night’s sleep was great. Brought back that strength and vigor I used to have. Thanks to my friends, online buddies and schoolmates who had been keeping me sane all the time.

I look forward now of coming out from my self-made prison of agony. I realized I shouldn’t be putting all the blame to myself. It’s no one’s fault really. It was just not a perfect time for us to be together. I only wish you now the best in everything and may you find that happiness that we both been searching for.

The sun is beaming now with all its splendor and beauty. I am up for a new challenge. Indulge me. I am ready.

August 2007

Stones

Was walking in my dreams again. Didn't exactly know where. Saw these stones along the way. Each looked different from one another. Some were of bright colors, others were just dull and blunt; some were smooth on the surface, others were rough and crooked on the edges; some looked big and hard, others appeared too little and less appealing. I picked up one of each kind of these stones. and headed towards home. Put them all in one clean and clear bottle and sealed it. Each day as I woke up, never did I forget to look at those stones with awe (for they seem to look good together in one bottle, their differences make them spectacular to look at), concern, and yes love (couldn't help myself but to fall in love with them). Didn't know why I felt that way towards these stones...maybe because they were all I had at that moment.

Then I had a glimpse of my tired face in the mirror... a tear drop was peeping through my left eye. I tried to look away and I turned to my bottle with stones in it. Oh! that bright colored stone shine like one big star in a dark moonless night. As if it was telling me to cheer up. It seemed to be shouting for all my ears to hear that everything will be alright again and that I shouldn't lose hope. It was then I decided to keep this stone for real. Put it out from the bottle and carefully hid it in my treasures' chest. The next day, I was in the verge of plunging into a quick slap shot decision in my life when I took notice of that dull and blunt looking stone in the bottle. It was so timid. So quiet. So serene. Its silence was overwhelming. It was giving me ENOUGH time to think things over and over so I wouldn't make any wrong decisions this time. That's when I felt that I should have it in my treasures' chest.

Two stones were still left inside my bottle. That big, hard looking stone and the too little, less appealing stone. What should I do with these? In a snap, I put these two inside my treasures' chest thinking of keeping them for real, the same way as I had wanted for the first two stones.

I was in shocked one day when I opened my chest. Gone now was the magnificent scene that I used to see when they were still in that bottle. That big, hard looking stone got moss all over its body. I immediately threw it out from the chest. It landed on the floor. Stained was left on the floor as soon the stone landed. I looked at my other stones, they too got a lil something on their surface as caused by that big, hard looking stone. I took them out from the chest one by one. Cleaned them and put them out to dry under the sun. When it was time to put them back in the treasures' chest, that's when I noticed this too little, less appealing stone. Although as small as it was, it was this stone who had made a very big impact on me. This stone wanted me to stay still. To give it time for this big, hard looking stone to prove its worth to be put inside my treasures' chest again. That's when I looked down again and picked up that big, hard looking stone on the floor. Its big and hard and yet on the floor it looked so small and soft that only a step of this foot could grind him into pieces. I cleaned this stone and let it dry. I put it inside my bottle waiting for the time when it can be in my treasures' chest again.

Friends are like stones that you see and pick up along the way. But you don't expect them to become real friends instantly the moment you picked them up. Friendship grows and blooms in your heart. It resides there and continue to be there no matter what happens. You may never hear a word from me or see me for all your life but all of you would always remain my precious stones that I keep inside my treasures' chest.

Just a thought

I woke up feeling a bit dizzy. Tried to walk into the shower but then the bathroom deodorizer made my already upset stomach even worse. Threw up (who knows how many times). Went back to bed was not feeling any better. Was looking at the wind chime which was graciously dancing with the wind. They made such a peaceful and serene sound together. Wish I could hear that sound for eternity as I lay here feeling my bulging tummy. Wondering how would she look like? Will she have the same snobbish and unfriendly eyes of mine? or will she have her daddy's charming and brilliant eyes? Will she get the same dimples on her cheeks? or maybe daddy's cute mole on her nose. Oh I can't wait to have you little one...to cuddle you in my arms as I sing you lullaby. Can't wait to nestle you on my chest as I put you into sleep. Oh I can't wait my dear. And am so filled with excitement of seeing you come to this world.

Was busy having these thoughts when all of a sudden I felt a pain on my back and my head ached like hell. Aaaaaaaargh! Oh I fell off from the bed. A dream?????? Everything seemed real ;)

Just an ordinary day

Set the alarm at 7am last night. But was still feeling sleepy that I didn't get up as I heard it rang half an hour ago. Now I was rushing to the bathroom. Went back again to look at the time. Oh my ! quarter to eight! Only a quick shower for today I told myself. I looked at myself in the mirror. Hallucinating again? I couldn't believe I just see Garfield (when I cry overnight my eyes are no different from Garfield's). I turned on the shower. Aarrrrrrrgh cold water! Made me get back to my senses. Brushed my teeth with my right hand while my left was soaping my still tired body. When I came out from the shower it's exactly eight. Still got more minutes before the guy from the language centre comes to pick me up. Decided to grab a sandwich as I went down to the lobby to wait.....Wait..waiting still... Finally he came.

Had a quick briefing with the center's owner on what to teach and discuss with the students. Said I would have an hour with this group. Entered the room trying to assess each students' abilities. How would I talk to them in the manner that they could understand? These students are in high school but then their English are still limited to yes or no, what's your name, how old are you. How can I be able to explain to them on how to answer these worksheets that were just handed to me few minutes ago? These people really want the quickest way to learn English!

To my next class I went. Curious looking little kids with sunny smiles beaming on their faces. I just love this group! my kids! They're ages range from 4 to 7 years old. I really adore them. It never fails to bring me to the summit each time I hear them talk to me in English. Lovely little kids who want to play and learn English at the same time. But time was so quick. Didn't notice the clock hanging on the wall. My next group of students were already peeping in the window making deliberate signs to send off my little angels as it will now be their time.

The menace group was scheduled to be the last group that I would be going to teach for today. It wasn't even a minute while I was writing on the board when I heard one student cried. Waaaaaaaah!Her seat mate called her a buffalo (for Thais that would be the most offensive term that you could call a person). Went to talk to that naughty boy. Ssshhhhh! told him, "If you call her a buffalo again, then we will have two buffaloes now inside this room. Her and you! Get that?" I gave one sharp look at that boy afterward.That sent him to silence. I gave out some worksheets for them to answer. Everything seemed to be going on quite smoothly. Suddenly all the students from the last row stood up and screamed. Come on what's it this time? One student was teasing his friend and he accidentally hit a plastic cup full of soda with ice. All their worksheets were soaked with green soda. Maybe that's the reason why I was always given worksheets in excess. Ten minutes before 12 they were giving me signs already that they wanted to go home. Told them if you want to go home you would miss the game that I had prepared for this class. That's when they stopped bugging me with their "we want to go home stuff". Oh at last 12 now. I could bid this crazy group adios!

Kung ikaw daw ay "insomniac"

1. Magbilang ka daw ng tupa (pati nga balahibo ng tupa naisipan ko na din bilangin, la pa din epek).

2. Uminom ka daw ng gatas bago matulog. Ilang tasa na nga ang tinungga ko eh. Lalo ko hinde nakatulog. Nag pururot na kasi ko dahil sa gatas. Masama pala ang sobra.

3. Ikutin mo daw ang unan mo ng 3 beses. Hinde ko maintindihan kung saan ang logic nito, pero... wag kang tumawa...hmmmmp! ginawa ko na din ito. Useless! grrrrrrrrr.

4. Ibahin mo daw ang pwesto ng pagtulog mo. Lipat ka nman daw sa ibang side. Naikot ko na nga lahat ng kanto ng kama ko, aba't ala pa din. Dilat pa din ako!

5. Eto bago...mag - blog daw ako. Aysus lalo ko hinde makatulog kasi kailangan ko matapos itong post na ito bago ko ipikit ang mga mata ko. Hinde ko mapapakali pag hinde ko ito na-ipost.Hala adik ka na!

Ay naku wala talaga ko maisip kung paano makatulog. Nasaan na ba ang dyosa ng pagtulog, dalawin mo naman ako oh!!!

To be grateful is no doubt a virtue!

I remember the first time I came here to Thailand.Stayed at Toto’s place before together with Juvy. The three of us then sharing everything we have— Juvy’s fried chicken (yummy) and soya milk (sad my tummy couldnt stand the taste) Toto’s bread and condensed milk(d2 ko lng yn natikman); and of course my tuna sandwich (na nangamoy sa loob ng ref hehehe kya binuksan ko ang bottle ng charcoal powder, sorry na Juvy hehehe). It was a short time but I would be forever grateful for that chance to be with them. Couldn’t imagine having survived without them. They’re important reminders that in a country away from home a "kababayan" will always be a "kababayan" who would help you in time when you need one. So thank you guys.

When I moved to Uttaradit. I met some "kababayans". We had fun hanging out. We even moved in the same apartment…mind you even same floors…so that we can just be there for each other in time when we need help. We would sometimes go and have dinner, the three of us sometimes to my place or sometimes to theirs. We were happy sharing and helping each other.

But I felt sad now, when I got the news. What could have been wrong with the way we treated you to deserve such things as you’ve said behind our backs? Perhaps the only wrong thing I did was I made myself a willing and ready victim for a suckling parasite like you. Just a bit of advice…learn how to look back and remember those faces and hands who helped you when you couldn’t even afford to put food in your mouth. Tsk…Tsk…Tsk..wasted friendship!

July 2007

My kindergarten class

As I stepped out from the room and bid my last kindergarten student goodbye, I felt this certain peace inside my heart. Today, we didn’t sing our usual ABC’s, nor we counted 123’s…we just played. I let them build a long bridge made of lil wooden chairs. It was fun watching them helped each other carry those chairs. Their faces were beaming with delight as they passed one chair to the other. You can see through their eyes that ‘dont worry i’ll help you’ line. Only that look on their eyes made all of them to trust and to depend on each other. Their intention to help their classmates were no doubt — pure and honest. We went on building the long wooden bridge. Finally.. we’re on our last piece! I asked them one by one to cross the bridge while I was holding their little hands (just to make sure they wouldn’t trip or else I’d lose my job hehehe). Each time they reach the end of the bridge they have to say a name of a fruit, an animal, or a flower. We went on doing like this for I didn’t exactly know how long. We were all having fun. Yes, including me. I did even wish to hop on that bridge but I was afraid those lil chairs wouldnt be able to carry on my weight geezzzz please dont ask how much I weigh now (if you still want us to be friends). But no matter how cautious we had been accidents do happen. One of my student was running back to the other end of the bridge, he didn’t notice his classmate picking something on the floor. When that student was about to get up both of them accidently hit each other on the head. My little girl cried in pain. But my little boy stayed there and didn’t go hiding. He was saying sorry and wiping those tears away with his bare little hands. I was moved by his actions. I was holding my emotions on that very moment. I wanted to cry but I had to keep those tears away, for their young minds wouldn’t understand how I felt that time. I was taught a very important lesson in life that time. A lesson I would never read in any books. Only here in my kindergarten class shall I learn that.

How ironic that kindergarten kids would be more mature in handling situation like this as compared to us adults. Why don’t we care enough for other people especially those whom we love? Why is it so HARD to say sorry and so EASY to just go hiding and forget you’ve hurt someone? Why does it take some time to forgive and to forget?Why couldn’t we be just like those kindergarten in my class?

July 2007

After the rain

Wouldn’t have survived that storm without my friends. Thank you so much. Some I never thought would care. But they were there in time when I almost felt like being shattered. Others allowed me to grieve in silence for they thought it would do me best. And I can say they were right. I am OK now, nothing to worry. With all those encouraging words from all of you how can I remain helpless and alone.

After the rain….

comes a rainbow of hope full of colours

waiting to paint happy pictures;

After the rain….

shines a sun smiling brightly

wanting to embrace me with its warmth;

After the rain….

blows a breeze so light

yet so comforting;

After the rain….

runs a time so fast

asking me to savor each moment;

After the rain….

makes a more worthy heart

making it a treasure bound to be discovered by a few!

July 2007

I can only laugh now

Oh how can I be fooled by these words, "I will fight for you till the end!" Aaaaaaaargh! Stupid me!

I was in the summit then thinking finally this guy has the guts — ready to face all the consequences. Against all odds you said…. you remember? Ha! Ha! Ha! You may be right I will never understand all these. Never!

I just wanted you to know, I had been very honest with what I feel. I even said I would give up my faith so as to have everything in your favor. But you’re too coward, man! I can only laugh now that we made this relationship long enough to become a comedy film. Bet, you will bag the best comedian award in Oscars!

June 2007

Numb

Finally, I woke up. No more dreams. Been waiting for the answers for a long time. Got them now. Thank You. Maybe You sent the answers before but I was again too blind to notice. I was blinded by love or so I thought.

June 2007

Went rushing but never came early

Looking back, I couldn't help but call my self an idiot earlier in my life. I was such in a hurry before. Wanting everything in a quickie. A quick shower, a hurried breakfast, a flash chitchat with friends, a quick this and that, and yes even a short and quick prayer! I had been so absorbed with the idea of rushing…running and being quick in everything that I do as I feared I would run out of time to do all those things. But in doing so, I overlooked some things which should have been given more importance, more time, and more of "me". I missed some good news from a friend as I didn't want to sit down for a moment to give him time to break the news. I failed to cry with a friend in his most lonesome night as I didn't have an extra minute to talk to him on the phone. My relationship with HIM didn't get closer as I kept all inside me unknown for I was watching the time and couldn't stay longer as I would be late. But late for what? Then I completely blew up my own fairy tale as I kept on turning the pages so that I can quickly get to the happily ever after part without realizing that those other chapters would have been more wonderful and exciting if only I lingered on that part for just a little while. Sad but no ones to blame. Maybe that fairy tale no matter how long we tried to keep that alive and invincible once it lose its colour and magic its gone. OH I had been rushing but never did i came early! I had been always LATE!. Guess I have to slow down this time. Take some time in what I do. Spend a more valuable time with them so that when I left all what they could remember of are those happy moments they have had with me. Hey, by the way, Im on my second chapter now of my new fairy tale. I'm not in a rush though but I cant wait to see and finally have my happy ever after ending this time. Wish me luck

May 2007

No turning back!

I’d say yes and there’s no turning back now. I gave out my promise and you can keep hold of that. Hang in there till we see our dream become a reality. I can’t wait as much as you do. But we’ve got to be patient. That perfect moment will come soon.

Lost child

Until now I havent found my way yet. I don’t know what you want me to do or want me to be. Each day I live trying to find meaning and worth of me being here. Ive got to admit there were times I thought i’m on the right track…but then along the way, i seem to trip and completely can’t go back to the track anymore. Don’t know exactly what had been wrong there. Maybe I was too exhausted to get up again….maybe I needed someone to pull me up and keep me from going…maybe I had forgotten to trust enough….or I maybe too scared to cry for help and be unheard.

Lead me now my Lord, your child is lost.