A Better Man

When I told mom I was getting married she hit the roof. But the moment I told her I haven’t seen him in person yet I could imagine her whacking my head with a pan till she could almost knock the sense out of what I just said. She went all night on the phone with her uninterrupted monologue and never-ending "what ifs”. "You are being stupid, Carmelita (only hear this name from my parents if I am in real big trouble)! I thought you’re smart! You should know better! Maybe it’s my fault too! I must have pushed you hard to get married as you’re not getting any younger. BUT PLEASEEEEE!!!! Get a better man!!!! What if that guy is not for real? What if he’s just playing with your feelings? What if he’s different from the kind of person he’s saying he is? What if he is a serial killer then chop off all your body parts and hides you in a closet of a hotel when you meet him in person? What if he’s just sending you a picture of a different man or maybe he’s just asking another person to talk to you on webcam? What if he’s really ugly, fat or a dirty old man?" I was laughing on the other line but at the same time what mom said was starting to make sense. I suddenly got scared.

I went on-line and talked to my then fiancé, telling him about what mom said and how I felt about it. He asked if he could talk to my mom on the phone and asked if he could get her number. But the problem is my mom doesn’t speak English. Then he asked for my dad. I told him I wanted to be the first one to tell dad when I get home. He didn’t make any attempts to talk to any member of my family after that. I noticed his webcam moved and immediately a woman was on. It was his sister. She told me how Chris has changed since we started talking on-line. She said her brother looks very happy now and described to me how excited they all are for the wedding in October. She told me that her brother is a good man and that whatever I see in him now is all for real. Then the webcam was back on him again. He was showing me pictures of his kids. He was being emotional this time as we talked. Right then I knew that there’s nothing to be scared of him anymore, that this is the man I want to be married to and spend the rest of my life with.

It was in July when I got home to have everything ready for the wedding in October. I was so excited and couldn’t wait to tell my dad that his little princess is soon getting married. I was very happy. My planned one week holiday to spend with my family back home and to get everything ready for the wedding was extended for another week- my father died.

I went back to Thailand with my wedding box but I wasn’t at all excited and didn’t even feel like getting married. I just lost my dad and it felt like my world fell apart. Added to that miserable feeling was the fact that my family and relatives were saying that we should postpone the wedding till next year as there’s a custom back home that said that it’s bad luck to get married in the same year when you lose someone in the family. I didn’t know what to do then. My emotions were like torn into two opposing extremes – one wanted me to be alone and be given time to grieve for my loss and one wanted me to be excited about the upcoming wedding!

My fiance helped me go through this difficult time in my life. He kept on showing me everyday how much he loves me. He made sure that he was always there for me. He would call me a couple of times in a day just to check on me and see how everything was going. Our computers were on-line 24/7. The time difference between Canada and Thailand seemed to have worked for us better. When he was gone to work, I would be in bed sleeping, then I would wake up in the morning and get ready for work and then it would be bedtime for him. We would stay up late most of the time just so we could talk and spend time together online. Our webcams were on even if were gone to bed sleeping. If it’s night time in Canada, I watched him sleep on webcam. He did the same for me. Distance nor time has never been a hindrance to show our love, concern, and commitment to each other.

October came so fast. I was at the airport waiting for him. I felt like my heart was doing somersaults inside my body that my heartbeat was almost going 500 miles per hour. When I heard the announcement that his plane has just landed I felt like I wanted to pass out. I became like my mom, running the "what ifs” marathon in my head: "What if he doesn’t like me? What if he’s not attracted to me? What if we don’t have that connection? What if he calls off the wedding?" I got scared again. I wanted to hide. Then I saw a man looking all happy and smiling ear to ear. That’s him! But he was following a woman (airport pick-up) who’s about the same height and somewhat similar hairstyle as me. No way was I going to let this woman steal my man! So I called out to him, “Sweet”. Then as fast as a lightning he turned his back looking for where that voice was coming from. He saw me, ran towards me and swept me off my feet. It was the most amazing experience being able to touch him, feel him and be held in his arms for real. For the first time I could see him outside my computer screen….for the first time I was able to feel his warmth! It felt exactly the way we had thought it would be. It felt so right and so beautiful.

People spend time together physically for the longest time before getting married but it doesn’t guarantee a perfect marriage or getting yourself a better partner in life. It takes commitment, a strong emotional connection, faith in that “love” you have for each other and the most important thing - believing that what you got is no doubt a better man!

Puto, Kuchinta, Sapinsapin

Nagising ako ng pag potpot at sigaw ni manong puto't kuchinta! Makailan ulit sya ngpabalik balik ng potpot at pagsigaw. Hinde nya ba alam na masyado pang maaga para sa almusal? Nais ko pa sanang bumalik sa pagtulog. Subalit walang patid ang pag potpot. Aaargh! Sige na manong pagbilhan mo na ako kung ano man yan tinitinda mo. Magkano ang isa? "Limang piso bawat isa", sagot niya. Sige po tig isang puto at kuchinta! "Bakit hinde mo na lang gawin bente pesos limang klase assorted?" Ganun? sabi ko sarili ko. Ikaw ba ang dapat mag desisyon kung ilan ang bibilhin ko? Aaagh! Masama talagang inisin ang bagong gising! Paano ko naman ubusin ang 5 piraso nun aber! Subalit ng buksan na nya ang lalagyanan ng puto't kuchinta....haizzzzzzzzzz bigyan mo ko ng bente!

Pinas, welcome your prodigal daughter back!

The plane just landed. I was not sure if I was ready to get off the plane. I was still planted in my seat. Sad thoughts continue bugging my head. This would be my 3rd time to come back home since I left in 2005. The first two trips gave me more of sad memories than happy ones. For a change I really hope this trip would be a pleasant one!

Remembering dad

All I remember of dad was how funny he was, how dirty he would come home from the shop with grease, oil and sweat all over him and his dirty overalls, how he would take a loooong time in the shower and then come out smelling all good and looking all clean (mind you even his fingernails are all clean and no traces of dirt), how he would want his coffee black with half a teaspoon of sugar, how he called me his "sexy", my sis his "darling" and my bro his "bandido"; how he would want his hanky neatly pressed and then put it in his pants' right back pocket and his wallet to his left; how much he adored pets (dogs, ducks, roosters, birds, mice, rabbit, well except for cats); how he would work extra hours few days before Christmas so as to make sure that we got new clothes to wear on Christmas day. That was all dad!

But I want to share something about dad which only a few people know. I had a vivid memory of my childhood with dad. I remember every night before we sleep he would pull 3 chairs for us- my mom, my sis and I. He would teach us how to read, count and write our names. Yes, including mom. She didn't have the chance to go to school. It was my dad who taught her how to read and write. I think mom learned how to write her name the same time as I had learned how to recite my first ABCs. and dad was our first teacher!

When I was in grade school and came home sick looking all pale and got a very high temperature, he rushed me to the clinic (Dr. Reyes' clinic in Guadalupe Viejo). I could remember how worried his face was that he even got mad at that nurse at the reception cos she was asking him to fill in some form before the doctor could attend to me. Doc went out of the room and asked what was going on and dad talked to him. I don't remember now if dad had filled in that form all I remember was that dad was holding my hand all the time while we were in there. Dad was strictly advised to give me my medicines on time or I'd be worst and this could lead to a more serious disease. Each night during those times that I was sick dad would bring me a glass of warm milk and my meds then he would kiss me on my forehead and say, "bukas gagaling ka na anak!" (you'll feel better tomorrow my child). At that time I was happy being sick. For only during this time that I could have my tatay for myself. I was thinking before that since dad has got a new family we're no longer important to him. But I proved that wrong on that day!

When I graduated in grade school dad took the longest shower he ever had in his entire life. It even took him more time to get dressed than me. His reason - "syempre dapat pogi ang tatay may honor ang sexy ko!" (of course I must look handsome, my sexy has got an award). I made sure to be in the honor rolls so that I could secure a seat for my dad in the front row. Cos only parents of those in the honor rolls are given the chance to march along side the graduates and seat in the front row. I remember dad looking all proud as we marched.

When I get to college our family was having some problems with money. Not too many work/repairs coming in the shop and we got bills to pay plus two students in college and 1 in high school. Dad would even do home service repairs and come back very late at night. But even with all these money wouldn't still suffice to his family's needs.I would sometimes see him still up late at night drinking coffee by the porch and thinking. When he'd see me he'd asked for another cup then he would go to bed once finished. Then came a time when I had to ask him for my tuition fee. I knew then that he's got no money at hand so I told him that I was thinking of quitting school and that I'd just enroll again when our finances stabilize. He looked at me and said, "Sy, si tatay ang bahala. Magtatapos ka ng college!" (dad will take care of it. you'll finish college). After that he asked me to prepare his towel for his bath. Said he will find me money for my tuition fee. He left home after he had a shower. It was past midnight. I looked into their room, saw only my stepmom and our newly adopted baby..wonder where dad is at this time. Can't remember what time was it when we heard someone knocking at the door. Then I heard my stepmom crying she told me dad had an accident and that she'd go to the hospital and that I should stay with the baby. Oh how I wanted to go with them that time and see my dad. But they said I had to stay and take care of the baby. My stepmom came the next morning her shirt got blood all over. She handed me the money. Said my dad gave this to her while they were taking him to the ICU. My dad told her not to use this money for the hospital and that this money should go to me for my tuition fee. I remember feeling all of them were mad at me as they thought I was the reason dad was in the hospital.They weren't saying it aloud but I could feel that they were blaming me for what happened to dad. I carried that guilt for a long time thinking I really was the reason it happened to him. Then one night they found out about my diary. Dad has called me in his room. He said that he had read my diary. He hugged and kissed me on my forehead the same way he did when I was sick. He said he loves me so much and that will never change forever even if he got his new family. He even told me not to blame myself for what happened to him. He said it was an accident and no one's to blame. Then he hugged me again and said I love you and asked me for a cup of coffee!

July 22, 2008 - Didn't know that this will be the last day I'd seen him alive. He came at sis place together with my stepmom and his newly adopted kid. Dad loves keeping babies and kids and taking care of them like his own even if he hasn't got enough money to feed them all he would still take them in. So that day when I saw him I hugged him and gave him a peck on his dimpled cheek. I got my dimples from dad. He would always say I am beautiful cos I look like him. Then we talked about our plans for the wedding in October. He was so excited. We talked about the clothes - his pants and a new pair of shoes that I'd be going to buy for him. WE even talked about of finding him a part time job when he gets here. He said he could be a teacher too. I laughed. Told him he might be too old now to teach. Then he reminded me that he was my first teacher and that I turned out as smart as I am now cos of him. ANd so I agreed but I was still laughing couldn't imagine him being a teacher in Thailand.So when we were done talking about the wedding. I gave him my gift. He was bugging me for a looong time now to buy him a new phone with camera. So when I handed him a box his face lit up and he looked like a kid who just got his best Christmas present. He showed it to my stepmom and said that my bro would be so jealous of him now that he got a new phone. He was so excited that he couldn't wait to use it. I told him that he has to recharge it first for 8 hours before he can use the phone. The he left that night all thrilled with his new phone.

I wanted to remember dad's happy face that day. I know that wherever he is now, he's so happy for me. He may not made it to my wedding day but I know he was up there watching me and telling me that he loves me and wishing us the best in everything. It will be his birthday this 26th March he would of been 58 years old. I can't give you a call now tatay (dad) the way I always do on your birthday but I hope God will send you this message --- Happy birthday tatay! I love you! and I miss you so much! God could of never given me a better dad than you! I love you!"

Why I hate them at DFA and Phils Embassy in Bangkok, Thailand

I applied for a new MRP (Machine Readable Passport) on 24 December 2008 at the Phils Embassy in Bangkok. I told them I also want my last name change as I opted to use my husband’s surname. I was advised to call them and follow up after a month. I did as I was told. But then they said it’s still in DFA manila. Said to just wait for another week. I called again and started calling everyday after that week. When I asked if there was a problem with my passport. They only said the remark is “pending”. When I asked to explain to me the reason for such she just said that it might not be in the transmittal for that week. Said it might come next week. I lost count of how many “next weeks” I had waited. I decided to ask mom in Manila to go to DFA. She was there before 8am..endured the long lines as usual only to be asked to wait till 3pm. oh she was able to talk to the staff in charge at 3pm but only to be told to call this number the next day at 9am. Said they don’t know the problem yet and why it was said to be pending. So the next day mom called. She luckily got to her after 100 tries. Their lines are busy must be really working their asses really hard in that office. When mom talked to the staff oooops! Lunch Break! Call back at 2pm. Mom did as what was told again. Called at 2 and finally talked to the one in charge. Oh the problem it was pending was…..drum roll!…… my photo!!!! applause! They said my photo was damaged for reason they never mentioned. She told mom for me to contact the embassy and ask them to send the extra photos of me that they have there. Mom told them she got my photo said she can give it to them to cut the time of transmittal from Bangkok to Manila. But the staff said NO. It MUST come from the embassy. Knowing that she can’t argue with them and we were at their mercy. I did as I was advised. Called the embassy to inform them of the reason why my passport is PENDING.Oh boy! they were surprised to know even asked where I got that info. Even made a comment like,..”Ah that’s why yours is the only passport left pending among that batch we sent for December!” Told them that comment didn’t even help me feel better. They told me to call at 4pm maybe to confirm with DFA if what I said was true. Then I talked to the one in charge, she said, “I just got an email from DFA said your photo has been damaged and that you have to transmit a new photo.” I told them I live far away from Bangkok and that it takes 9 hrs or so to get there to submit a photo. She suggested that she will just send the photo I have in their files. Oh and i thanked her for that! It took more than a month for DFA to find out that my photo was damage had I not asked mom to go there in person who knows if we will ever find out why it has been pending! And amongst all those passport applications transmitted for December…ONLY my photo has been damaged! So enough with the photo. I sent them 2 photos JUST IN CASE it will be damaged AGAIN (I was thinking of sending 100 pcs).

I called after 2 weeks.Guess what DFA said? I might of filled out the WRONG form! oh BS!!!!quit giving STUPID excuses!Mom was there and you told her the problem was… ONLY the photo!I just wish you can come up with a more INTELLIGENT EXCUSE next time!!! I can’t wait to be home next month and be there in person and file my complaint! Oh how can I go home? I don’t even have my new passport! My old one? My plane ticket is under a new name so I can’t use the old one. Now what do I do??? aaaaghhh Give us the right service that we are paying for..PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

{ Friendster blog February 2009}

A phone call

Had a long day. Had to teach an extra class to add to my already loaded sched for a Tuesday. Had to change my teaching sched for the week cos I’ll be taking a leave on Friday to go to Bangkok to get some papers and have my medical done for the visa. Plus I got so lucky to get the toddlers group (lots of shouting and running around) for my part time evening classes. Oh what a long and tiring day! As if all of these were not enough - I came home …turned on my lappy as usual and got bombarded with messages in my messenger from my students. I wouldn’t mind chatting really…it’s just that when you’re tired sometimes you just need a quiet moment….no messages..no buzz…no nudge…no sending of annoying audibles….and no NO NO silly questions like…WHAT IS YOUR NAME???????? DO YOU TEACH IN UTTARADIT SCHOOL????????? I nearly smashed my new lappy to the wall hadn’t I thought I wouldn’t be able to chat to my hubby if I did that! So I signed out from my messenger and used a new ID. It pays to have an extra messenger ID handy in times like this! I only got my hubby in this ID so I was left in my serene moment for a few. But I haven’t had a feel of it yet when my mom sent me a message. Oh stress was the least thing I need at that moment! I was thinking of saying goodnight to mom and asked her to spare me the other details till tomorrow when I would be well rested but then suddenly my tummy started rumbling and shouting for FOOD! FOOD!FOOD! Rushed to the fridge and grabbed anything that my hands could hold — a pack of spicy squid and a bar of Kitkat (yeah right GIVE ME A BREAK!). All these plus lots of kisses and i love you’s from my husband calmed me and sent me to sleep.

I was in queue to get some papers. The lady at the counter was giving me a hard time. I remember looking all worried and was nearly crying. I got no one to turn to and help me. Suddenly my phone rings. A call from a strange number. I knew I had to take it cos my heart wanted to. Hearing that so familiar voice provoked those tears to flood down my all worried face. It has been a while since I last heard that voice. The voice told me to hand the phone to the lady at the counter. I did as I was told. Then I got the phone back and the lady said that my papers are ok and that I could leave now. Talked to that voice on the phone again. I got so many things to say and questions to ask but I just didn’t know how to start. All I knew was that I was crying all the time and listening to him. It felt so good hearing his voice. I remember I told him I miss him and that I couldn’t do everything by myself and that I needed him to be here to fix things the way he used to before. But he said he would always be here to help me. All I had to do was just close my eyes and he said he will give me a call again when I need him again. And then he said, “Bye anak (child)!” and then he hang up before I could say, Bye tatay (dad)!

{Friendster blog December 2008}

Thailand, my second home

Thailand has been a second home to me. I came here more than 3 years ago. I was only 27 years old at that time. Like most people from the Philippines, I wanted to try my luck of working abroad. I got friends who are working here as English teachers and they seem to like it here. So when I got everything ready I booked a ticket and took my first flight abroad. I left the company where I had worked for 6 years. I was a Human Resource Specialist back then. I interviewed applicants and prepared training modules for our company. It was very tiring but I had fun and enjoyed my job. At that time, jobs in Thailand were promising a very attractive salary so I had to leave the company and looked for a “greener pasture”!

It was 30^th of June 2005 when the plane landed in Bangkok. I felt both excited and sad. I was excited because everything here was all new to me and sad because it was my first time to be away from my family and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to land a job here. As we get off the plane Thai flight attendants would wai to us and with big wide smiles on their faces they greeted us “Sawasdee Ka!”. True to its name, Thailand is really a land of smiles. In that moment I felt how warm and friendly Thais are. I spent my first week in Thailand traveling around Bangkok. I visited many temples and admired every temple’s architectural designs. They’re all unique and amazing!

My first teaching job in Thailand was in Bangkok. I worked in Kumon in Central Lat Phrao. The salary wasn’t what I expected but I had to accept the job as my pocket money was running out. Kumon is a tutorial center which focuses on subjects like Math and English. In here I was exposed to all levels of students. Starting from as young as 3 years old who had just started learning to utter their first English words to as old as 45 years old who thought it wasn’t too late for them to learn the language. This center was a good training ground for me to hone my teaching skills and my ability to be able to reach out to Thai students who dreaded English. I was then enjoying my job in Bangkok even with a salary that was just enough to cover for all my basic needs when I got a call from Uttaradit School offering me a job. It wasn’t that easy to leave Kumon because I wouldn’t just be leaving a job behind but what saddened me the most was leaving those students who had just started to like “English” as well as their parents who still thought that I am Thai.

I started working for Uttaradit School in April 2006. All the teachers and students made me feel that I was welcome. My co teachers were all very helpful and accommodating. They would even go beyond their way just to extend help whenever I needed one. I got countless lifts going home, free meal, free tour around the city and nearby provinces and also they would even extend financial help and moral support when needed. During the first few months of teaching in this school, I lost count of how many students had run away from me feeling so shy to greet and talk to me in English. Some would even take a different path afraid I’d stop them for a few minutes chat. But as time passed by, I felt so happy how the students have changed. Students now will most likely say, “hi” and “hello”. Some who are braver and confident in their English would stop me and start a small talk, even if it’s just a pattern like “Hi. Hello. How are you? Fine, Thank you and you?”. I felt somehow I had accomplished something when I hear my students try to speak English with me even if they’re just simple and short phrases.

It was in Thailand when I first met my husband. No, he’s not Thai. He’s Canadian. I met him on line.It was also here in Thailand where we got married. We had a beautiful wedding in Chiangmai. Our wedding coordinator did a really good job to give us a wedding to remember for the rest of our lives. It was somewhat different from the ones we had back home. It had a touch of Thai custom. We floated nine (9) fire balloons (Kom Loy). They said as we float these - all our problems, sorrows and bad luck will fly away with them. They also said that 9 is a lucky number for Thais and that floating 9 fire balloons would bring us, the new couple, abundant blessings and good luck.

Next year, I will be moving to Canada to be with my husband. Leaving Thailand would be as hard as leaving home because I had learned how to love it as my own. I had learned how to adapt and embrace its culture and traditions. I even had acquired and mastered the art of bargaining and haggling for price the same way as Thais do when they go shopping. I even look like a Thai with my black hair, skin tone and facial features. I also love Thai food. My husband and I are addicted to sticky rice (Kao Niaw) and pork with basil (Pad Ga Krapao Moo). In fact he asked me to learn how tocook Thai food before I go to Canada. And like Thai people, I also think Song Kran is the most fun filled holiday here. It is fun playing water and getting wet with people who have their water guns and big hose of water ready to splash water on you as you pass by. Oh! I will miss everything in Thailand when I leave. But for sure all the experiences I have had here as well as all the people I have met will always remain in my heart forever. All these would make me want to come back again to the place I called…….my second home!

{Friendster blog November 2008}